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capriceman

Do you give people second chances?

40 posts in this topic

That's how I should feel but i don't.

Sadly, Its my daughter Erika, She in her 20's but now she is pregnant (don't know the father) and probably going to be in jail very shortly. I could get a good lawyer and all and probably get her to have just probation but, I don't feel like i should help her at all. She was excellent till about her junior year in high school. She always hated me but that's because I wasn't there. She was a humanitarian and I was a special forces trained killing machine. Lets say we clashed heads.

Its just heart breaking to watch but I feel like I have tried to set her straight so many times it might be time to disown.

I'm not a parent, so I can't put myself in those shoes.

BUT, I am a 20-something that has been through a lot. From my perspective, I think you should let her learn a lesson. She needs to wise up, especially since there is a kid on the way. A lot of my distant family is into Meth really bad. And they'll come back to the family supposedly "cleaned up" only to rip off and steal something else of cause more drama. I've often tried to put myself in their shoes and talked to my parents about it. I'm of the mindset that you make your own bed and so is my dad. However, my mom is one of the "your kid is always going to be your kid and you must help them" people.

The real issue here is the child. On one hand, I would say remove it from the situation. But on the other hand, the child can also serve as a catalyst for change and really teach people about what's important in life.

Not sure if any of that is good or helpful advice, just my :twocents:

Edited by FUTURE_OF_GM

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i would probably lean towards a direction (if there is one) to make your daughter go it alone this time. If you do this again, i don't know what will change in the future that will keep the behavior in check or improve your relationship.

While of course, simultaneously doing something to insure a better life for the little one.

Yeah i know its easy to make generalities.

i could relate some family stories probably but in truth i am still waiting to see how those unfold.

when it comes to this stuff, each situation is different and so complex and unpredictable. It just seems to me from what has been said here that no matter what you do to reach out and help and mend here it will probably backfire more than anything.

so its like a percent chance game. maybe the risk of losing is outweighed by what could be done? I mean, can things get that much worse?

what kills me are those who say we should legalize drugs. um no. far too many lives have been ruined with drugs to open the faucets on that one.

Edited by regfootball

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Last Night I kind of lost it.

Since this ordeal came up I allowed her to use the guest room since she was kicked out or something from where she was staying. and she wanted to pick a fight for something retarded like there was no soap in the bathroom. I was already not happy and I lost it told her how i really felt and kicked her out gave her $200 for a hotel room, and left Her with, "If your so damn brilliant why did you not realize this door has always been open and will always be open for you. but, until you change your life style and think about what really matters in your life I don't have to let you back in. I wish you well dear but, I have a feeling you will continue to be a disappointment to your mother and me."

I feel bad but I hope it sinks in and she can always come back for help if she changes. The damage is already done I guess. The worst thing is now Kim (wife) is mad at me as well because she thinks I took it to far and was to extreme. I will have to explain to her were I was coming from. however I think and know I did the wrong thing but its possible it ended up being the right thing? I guess time will tell if old habits remain. Last night me and Kim did talk about if Mike was still around it would be so much easier because she looked up to him and would listen to him. Kim brought up that since he was killed in Iraq a few years back that Erika's life has been a downward spiral. She protested him going or having anything to do with it and I'm starting to think if its a direct relation and if she just gave up on being successful in life and had a fear of never being happy. If that's true then I would feel so bad for what I did and would wonder why she never told us the way she felt. There is so much untold here though and that can influence perspective a lot. I just wish I could be better at that "communication" stuff.

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+1

It is my personality to NOT give anyone a second chance. However, I know that I can be very judgmental as well.

So, as long as the offense isn't horrible, I'll cautiously give a second chance. Consider it a "probation" of sorts.

If she does come back I will give her a chance if I can see change, and there will be some rules laid out.

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i would probably lean towards a direction (if there is one) to make your daughter go it alone this time. If you do this again, i don't know what will change in the future that will keep the behavior in check or improve your relationship.

While of course, simultaneously doing something to insure a better life for the little one.

Yeah i know its easy to make generalities.

i could relate some family stories probably but in truth i am still waiting to see how those unfold.

when it comes to this stuff, each situation is different and so complex and unpredictable. It just seems to me from what has been said here that no matter what you do to reach out and help and mend here it will probably backfire more than anything.

so its like a percent chance game. maybe the risk of losing is outweighed by what could be done? I mean, can things get that much worse?

what kills me are those who say we should legalize drugs. um no. far too many lives have been ruined with drugs to open the faucets on that one.

truer words never spoken.

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Last Night I kind of lost it.

Since this ordeal came up I allowed her to use the guest room since she was kicked out or something from where she was staying. and she wanted to pick a fight for something retarded like there was no soap in the bathroom. I was already not happy and I lost it told her how i really felt and kicked her out gave her $200 for a hotel room, and left Her with, "If your so damn brilliant why did you not realize this door has always been open and will always be open for you. but, until you change your life style and think about what really matters in your life I don't have to let you back in. I wish you well dear but, I have a feeling you will continue to be a disappointment to your mother and me."

I feel bad but I hope it sinks in and she can always come back for help if she changes. The damage is already done I guess. The worst thing is now Kim (wife) is mad at me as well because she thinks I took it to far and was to extreme. I will have to explain to her were I was coming from. however I think and know I did the wrong thing but its possible it ended up being the right thing? I guess time will tell if old habits remain. Last night me and Kim did talk about if Mike was still around it would be so much easier because she looked up to him and would listen to him. Kim brought up that since he was killed in Iraq a few years back that Erika's life has been a downward spiral. She protested him going or having anything to do with it and I'm starting to think if its a direct relation and if she just gave up on being successful in life and had a fear of never being happy. If that's true then I would feel so bad for what I did and would wonder why she never told us the way she felt. There is so much untold here though and that can influence perspective a lot. I just wish I could be better at that "communication" stuff.

at the same time, as deeply as it affects her, its not an excuse to break the law and have socially destructive behavior.

but at least wow, something to start as a talking point to patch this up someday.

here is the thing, even if you reacted, it was a reflection of how you really feel and you can't make that stuff up. she needed to know how you felt one way or the other. you certainly can change that feeling over time, but i think to be honest about how you feel is as important as 'what move you make' in the chess match.

and why do we always have to blame somebody for something bad happening? sometimes things occur and happen in life and its not a direct cause / effect all the time from someone else we want to assign the blame to.

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and why do we always have to blame somebody for something bad happening? sometimes things occur and happen in life and its not a direct cause / effect all the time from someone else we want to assign the blame to.

I think that its because we think the people we love are infallible and we directly associate any problem on something other than them. Hell, I will admit that sometimes I think I am infallible, that no matter what I do it will be the "right" thing and boy have i been wrong. lol.

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one of my siblings assigns complete and entire blame for all wrong with her life and others on to my parents.

as if they were made of perfection and had never ending resources. it's good to show people imperfection, but back it up with support and love. then at least reality is easier to cope with.

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one of my siblings assigns complete and entire blame for all wrong with her life and others on to my parents.

I've heard that in my own family...a sibling that attributes basically all that was good to our late father, and all that is bad to our mother. There is some degree of truth to it, but once you are out of the house and on your own--college and beyond--you make your own choices in life, good or bad..can't blame anyone but yourself at the point and beyond, IMHO. Blaming everything on your childhood and a repressed, conservative emotionally distant mother only goes so far...

My own family has had plenty enough of it's own drama over the years, enough to convince me I have no need to have children.

Of my 2 siblings and myself, the one that is definitely the most f*cked up is the one that isn't taking any meds... the other and myself have our prescription anti-depressants and sleeping pills going on..

Putting the fun in dysfunctional.

Rob

Edited by Cubical-aka-Moltar

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We actually DO care Caprice.

C'mon man you put up with my constant missing of Nycole and never complained.

As for the situation with your daughter, that really sucks man. However it appears that she's going to have to learn how life really is on her own. You've already told her that you and her mother are both there for her.

Sometimes the harsh reality of life often brings us to our senses. Hopefully this is what happens for her.

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My own family has had plenty enough of it's own drama over the years, enough to convince me I have no need to have children.

Of my 2 siblings and myself, the one that is definitely the most f*cked up is the one that isn't taking any meds... the other and myself have our prescription anti-depressants and sleeping pills going on..

Yes, on the part about kids.

Yes, on the meds...Ambien ROCKS. :lol:

Seriously, Capriceman, we do care. The introduction of the granchild into the equation makes this a lot tougher. You might have to leave the door open (especially for the kid) and she needs to knock on it, on terms that aren't hers, but a good middle ground for both parties.

Then, with all this anger, is she in therapy? Self-destructive behaviors are a big red flag for therapy (or TE-RA-PEE, as Dr. Ruth would say). But, be careful, when people are told they need to be in therapy, they either get angrier or further into denial.

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Sometimes the harsh reality of life often brings us to our senses. Hopefully this is what happens for her.

I really hope so!

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Wow.

I say you gotta just let her do her own thing. It's kinda of the same issue I have with someone in my family.

If they don't learn now, they may never learn. I have to say you did the right thing, even if it went a bit too far, and even if Kim is mad at you. If you don't speak your mind, you might just go crazy.

Of course, living in MI right now is not helping either.....

I think the hardest part is thinking about the little guy (also going to be an issue with the wife as the birth draws near). But I think all you really can do is hope and pray. This is hard for me, w/ my 16 month old....

Hopefully being a mother will help dawn some things on her and open her eyes, as she really can't think about herself anymore. (we hope)

I'm praying things work out for you. Sounds like you and I need a good, cold beer!

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Seriously, Capriceman, we do care. The introduction of the granchild into the equation makes this a lot tougher. You might have to leave the door open (especially for the kid) and she needs to knock on it, on terms that aren't hers, but a good middle ground for both parties.

Then, with all this anger, is she in therapy? Self-destructive behaviors are a big red flag for therapy (or TE-RA-PEE, as Dr. Ruth would say). But, be careful, when people are told they need to be in therapy, they either get angrier or further into denial.

We will have to tell her that we will help the child for sure. Although, she was thinking abortion/adoption but its not my body or kid so i wont have any influence on that. she is 2-3 months in i think. I honestly didn't know until Kim said " your boobs look great, are you pregnant?" Erika then just nodded. I started to laugh because of how it was said so randomly.

Im not a big fan of mental therapy because I had to go through a bunch of it. and all it did was make me relive things again. and as Clint Eastwood said in Gran Torino "There isn't a god damn day I don't think about it!" However, We can always suggest it and Im willing to do anything for her.

Thanks guys I really appreciate the thoughts and feedback as hopefully they will result im a turnaround of someone I hold dear to my heart. Thanks.

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Yes, on the part about kids.

Yes, on the meds...Ambien ROCKS. :lol:

Seriously, Capriceman, we do care. The introduction of the granchild into the equation makes this a lot tougher. You might have to leave the door open (especially for the kid) and she needs to knock on it, on terms that aren't hers, but a good middle ground for both parties.

Then, with all this anger, is she in therapy? Self-destructive behaviors are a big red flag for therapy (or TE-RA-PEE, as Dr. Ruth would say). But, be careful, when people are told they need to be in therapy, they either get angrier or further into denial.

the second part of this is so true. there are some folks i know or have encountered that not only are mean hypocrites about others behavior, and think they are righteous, when in fact they are self hating and self destructive and just use others to push the blame of their life onto others.

and they really would benefit from a THE rapist. the honest therapists tell it like it is. I know one person who each time this person bails on a new therapist is when the therapist calls them to be responsible and own up to whatever part of the problem they are causing and making worse. Yet these are the people who are most vehemently blaming others.

i almost think everyone can use a little therapy from time to time but i guess that is called 'happy hour' and piggybacks on bob's co-worker thread. lol

Edited by regfootball

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