New joke thread...

[A Horse With No Name]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

[A Horse With No Name]

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that $h!."

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."

Why do Canadians have sex doggy style?

So they can both watch the hockey game.

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"

He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her 150 pound offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker.

He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"

Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes.

"Help me! Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!"

"You ain't being robbed" her attacker interrupted. "You're being screwed!"

The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!"

Anyone heard any good ones lately?

Edited October 27, 2012 by A Horse With No Name

[David]

JOKE # 1

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at 24 Sussex:

One from Alberta, another from Newfoundland and the third, Quebec.

They go with a government official to examine the fence.

The Albertan contractor takes out a tape measure, does some

measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900,... $400

for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Newfie contractor also does some measuring and figuring,

then says, “I can do this job for $700,:.. $300 for materials,

$300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Quebec contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over

to the official and whispers, "$2,700."

The government official, incredulous, says,

"You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up

with such a high figure?"

The Quebec contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for

you, and we hire the Newfie to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

JOKE # 2

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers 'Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95

Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95,

Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95,

and Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?!

Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's b*lls.

[David]

****** 23 ADULT TRUTHS ******

1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still

not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you

realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I

was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm

pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how

the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at

work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything

productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I

don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks

me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that

I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not

to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or

Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just

nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team

up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong,

brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get

dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their

car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail

on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze

button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first

time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874

and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100

years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.