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Tales from the carwash


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Friday was my first day working at the Simoniz (Wash Depot inc.) car wash and detail center in Nashua NH, and boy, I've never seen so many dumb people in my life.

For you to understand these first few stories, you have to be able to visualize how the car wash, or at least the track system, works.

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fairly self explanitory, the person drives their car up (with us guiding them) so the drivers side wheel is in the track between the guard rail, then when we hit the "program" button on the computer, one of the orange roller things pops up and pushes the car through the carwash.

First, I cannot believe how many people wind up driving ON or OVER the guardrail thing. Not like they start off driving on it just cause they werent lined up good, but they'll get halfway up the little ramp thing, TURN THE WHEEL for whatever reason, and then put themselves up and over the friggin thing!

From my observations, its about 70% Toyota/Lexus/Scion's that do this, 10% other cars, and 20% yoohoo's in smaller pickup trucks and SUV's (Honda CRV's, Mazda pickups, Ford Rangers, etc.)

Now for some good stories. Once the person is in position and we program the computer, they're supposed to have their hands off the wheel, the car in neutral, and NO FOOT ON THE BRAKE. theres a big freakin sign above that says this (See pic), but still people put their cars in PARK or REVERSE or hold down the brake so when the roller comes up behind the rear wheel and tries to push the car, the car goes up and over the roller, usually resulting in the driver of the vehicle having a panic attack and franticly either trying to roll down the window or jamming the brake even harder. This happens once or twice an hour on the weekends it seems (Fri,Sat, and Sun. I think we averaged about 800 cars a day from 8am to 6pm, you can do the math). Anyway, usually after shouting for them to take their foot off the brake and to put it in neutral, and pointing at the sign in case they dont get it the first time, usually they're able to figure it out and we can send another roller to push their car along.

Anyhow, Saturday I witnessed something so horribly funny that I couldn't even laugh it was so hard to believe it was actually happening. I had pointed out Silvesters Theory to the people I work with (That 99% of all dumb drivers are in Toyotas) and we all were noticing that in fact it was VERY true, that most of the cars that were going over the rollers or over the rails or were trying to DRIVE through the car wash WERE IN FACT IN TOYOTA MADE PRODUCTS (Including Lexus and Scion). Anyhow, a beige Corolla (The older generation with the jellybean tail lights) with this tiny little Asian woman driving pulls up. First set of rollers, she goes up and over. Brake lights were on, told her to take her foot off the brake, and we sent another set of rollers. Up and over again. We shut the car wash off and go up to her window, AND SHE STARTS DRIVING FORWARD! Finally we get her attention and she stops, we turn the wash back on and the second set of rollers that is moving forward between the rear wheel and the front wheel gets to the front wheel and starts to push the car, once again, brake lights go on and she goes up and over. We got her to back up to the beginning again, pointed at the sign for her and told her once again, "Neutral, NO BRAKE.", and send another roller.... AND SHE STARTS DRIVING FORWARD AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After pounding on her window and shouting for her to LEAVE IT IN NEUTRAL, she finally understood and went through the wash. I thought this was a pretty good example of exactly how horrible Toyota drivers can be. I can say this because honestly, and i swear to god, when any other sort of car screws up and goes on the railing or over a roller, the people are able to fix their mistakes pretty quickly and dont have any problems, but I've also seen a Tacoma pickup decide to DRIVE FORWARD when he was halfway through the carwash, and actually drove in to the truck in front of it, and I've almost been run over by a Scion that went over the railing AND KEPT DRIVING, LOL

It really is unbelievable, I think I'm gonna try to get pictures of these dumbasses next time its quiet enough to have a few seconds to whip out the cell phone camera.

I'll post more stories as they happen

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That story reminds me of this song by Rose Royce.

Ooh ooh

You might not ever get rich

But let me tell ya it's better than diggin' a ditch

There ain't no tellin' who you might meet

A movie star or maybe even an Indian chief


At the car wash

Workin' at the car wash, girl

Come on and sing it with me

(Car wash)

Sing it with the feelin' ya'all

(Car wash, girl)


Some of the work gets kinda hard

This ain't no place to be if you planned on bein' a star

Let me tell you it's always cool

And the boss don't mind sometimes if you act the fool

At the car wash

Whoa whoa whoa whoa

Talkin' about the car wash, girl

Come on, ya'all and sing it for me

(Car wash)

Oooh oooh oooh

(Car wash, girl)

(Work and work)

Well, those cars never seem to stop coming

(Work and work)

Keep those rags and machines humming

(Work and work)

My fingers to the bone


Can't wait till it's time to go home (?)

(Hey, get your car washed today)

Fill up and you don't have to pay

Come on and give us a play

(Do the wash, right away)

(The car wash)

Talkin' 'bout the car wash

Car wash, girl

Come on, ya'all, let's sing it with me

(Car wash)

Sing it with feelin', ya'all

(Car wash, girl)

Whoa whoa whoa whoa

(Car wash)

Never seem to stop comin'

What'd I say

Keep those rags and machines hummin'

(Car wash)

Let me tell you, it's always cool.

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I take the Intrepid to the car wash on a regular basis. Since shell gives you a nice discount when you fill up I go there. Sunday I wanted to wash it up while i was out and I still had a coupon. I go there and there's 2 cars in front of me: a Jeep Liberty and a Audi A4. The guy in the A4 sits there for like 2 minutes, then backs the car up. I figure he misaligned the car like we did with the Prizm the first time we took it through....but nope. The light is green (which is most countries means ""go" and instead of going, he gets out of his car and looks at the keypad for teh carwash. He stood there for another 5 minutes until I guess he figured ot that "green is go moron" (it also says GO" next to the light).

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That Corolla lady sounds like it might have been Miss Swan.

She was probably all:

"It looka like a kar wash no go but car go bumpie, "

From the stories you told me there's at least 3 people who

went through your car wash who should NOT have driver's

licenses, and probbaly should wear a helmet when they go

for a jog or a brisk walk.

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I try not to go though car washes on tracks.....they make me nervous...


While taking a break from school, I went out with a buddy for lunch. After lunch, he decides to get a quick car wash for his

nearly new S-10. About 30 seconds into the wash-for whatever reason-the guy behind us freaks out after getting on the track.

He hits the gas-and smashes the s-10 so hard it sets the airbags off. It scared the heck out of me.

Lucky for us-after the accident-a classmate picked us up-so at least we didn't miss our next class.

I will go through these car washes, but I tend to wash my own car first.

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Another truck that was going through had nearly flat tires so the rollers went under the tires like halfway through (when it was by the blue brush things). The person behind him luckily was paying attention and realized what was going on and had to slam on his brakes to avoid being pushed into this other truck, i thought that was pretty funny.

I'm not working till saturday, but i'm sure i'll come home with pleanty of good storys then!

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Do you at least get a free Carwash for the "UNIBODY" Comanchee once a day?

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I never use those car washes. Ever.


My car is in serious need of a bath, but I wont use any sort of car wash that requires me to remain in my car. I even turned down the free car wash when I got the oil in my Saturn and Solara changed at Jiffy Lube/Auto Magic and they kept insisting that I get my free car wash and I kept insisting that they give me my car. Its going to be in the 50's on Monday so I'll give'er a hand job out in the driveway.

Edit: I worded that awkwardly

Edited by Satty
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