couples, marrage, and finacial budgeting

[Newbiewar]

okay, well before i yell endlessly at my wife, for being... stupid... how do others couples and married folks in here handle this sort of situation.

recently married, 2 days away from first anaverisary. I came into the realtionship with 30k on credit card dept. she came in with about 10k. so obviously im the one who doenst have much room to talk, but due to my situation, i have leared a valueable lesson about money.

but, before i left for kuwait, we had discussed our plans to both be dept free, by the end of 2008. and we both had the income and or the means, if spending was under control.

well, spending has become out of control, at least for her, although her cards were maxed to begin with, she has done very little to pay them off, and on some accounts acrewed late fees.

but the biggest thing, there about 4 large sums of money since the first, that we had talked about using to pay off eachothers dept (this is the worst part) some for me and some for her, well, without my control, she has squandered all of it (about 8k) without even letting me use some.

now that i have realized all this, im furrious but shes asleep, and im trying to figure out a rational way to discuss the situation. anyone have any suggestions

ohh durring this time, i have paid off 2 and a half of my cards. while still paying the mortgage

[PurdueGuy]

That's really rough, especially because it sounds so unfair, but getting into a blaming game generally makes things worse. The things she spent the money on, can any of it be returned or sold for a reasonable price? By the way you describe it, it's all been stuff for her, not really anything you can/will get enjoyment or use out of?

[loki]

would combining your debt be a bad idea? as in both your names would be on the bills...

[regfootball]

wow. everyone has stories like this. there is no safe answer but it sounds like you are doing your part at least.

all i can say is keep trying, if you give up trying, the situation gets worse.

[PurdueGuy]

is she feeling resentful about having to cut back, and maybe got feeling like she just couldn't do it, then went overboard? Maybe a less aggressive payoff plan if she's feeling like she can't have any fun or something?

[Lamar]

I guess the money can't be recouped by now...

But you guys had a plan; the two of you need to stick with it. And as you're the man of the house, you have to make sure that happens, and your wife has to respect it.

Finances is definitely not the area that the two of you shouldn't both be on top of, nor should it be kept from one another.

[Croc]

And as you're the man of the house, you have to make sure that happens, and your wife has to respect it.

I'm sorry, what century is this? Please...that approach will get him straight to a judge for a divorce, and rightfully so.

[Oracle of Delphi]

Kick the Bitch to the curb! JK! Look when I got married Mrs. PCS brought 5000 credit card debt and a Toyota into the marriage. I got rid of them both (the debt and the Toyota) slowly and surely, but you have to work together as a team to get this accomplished.

Try making her sign a contract with you to reduce both your debt, maybe that will make it a little more real to her when your out of the country.

P.S. Thanks for all you do to protect our freedom, Thursday just happened to be the anniversary of VE day in Europe. Thats when the Nazi's finally surrendered.

Edited May 10, 2008 by Pontiac Custom-S

[Lamar]

I'm sorry, what century is this? Please...that approach will get him straight to a judge for a divorce, and rightfully so.

It's the 21st century, since you asked.

They're equal partners in the relationship, yeah, but he has to be the head of the house.

His wife not respecting the decision that was made is why he's posting in the first place.

P.S.: Börger, I almost didn't read the rest of your response after the bolded part. I was about to get upset.

[Oracle of Delphi]

It's the 21st century, since you asked.

They're equal partners in the relationship, yeah, but he has to be the head of the house.

His wife not respecting the decision that was made is why he's posting in the first place.

P.S.: Börger, I almost didn't read the rest of your response after the bolded part. I was about to get upset.

Glad you read it all!

[Lamar]

Glad you read it all!

I didn't want to flame you without due cause. :AH-HA_wink: Hey, how long has it been for you two?

[Oracle of Delphi]

I didn't want to flame you without due cause. :AH-HA_wink: Hey, how long has it been for you two?

20 years next June (2009).

Edited May 11, 2008 by Pontiac Custom-S

[Lamar]

20 years next June (2009).

Ya know, you coulda said 19 years this June. But June's a good month... my wife and I turn 2 on the 3rd.

[Croc]

They're equal partners in the relationship, yeah, but he has to be the head of the house.

This sentence contradicts itself. Yes, she didn't respect a mutual decision, but the whole "man = head of the house" is soooooo quaint and really doesn't have a place in this day and age. Trust me, she'd resent it.

I'm with Borger--do a contract about it. I'd also see about couples financial counseling--if, of course, that's affordable. At the very least, see if a mutual, neutral friend is in the financial planning sector to see what options are in play and maybe the two of them can work something out.

Also, instead of thinking in terms of "X sum of money will go toward debt repayment," how about setting aside a portion of the paychecks, say 10%, and then gradually pay the debt off with that? Since it's a marriage, the two debts really are a "couple's debt" and setting up a specific bank account for bills might not be a bad idea. Once the debt is paid off, this could easily morph into a joint account, so each has their own discretionary accounts, plus the joint account for joint purchases or bills payments.

What do you think, Newbiewar?

Edited May 11, 2008 by Croc

[daves87rs]

Kick the Bitch to the curb! JK! Look when I got married Mrs. PCS brought 5000 credit card debt and a Toyota into the marriage. I got rid of them both (the debt and the Toyota) slowly and surely, but you have to work together as a team to get this accomplished.

Try making her sign a contract with you to reduce both your debt, maybe that will make it a little more real to her when your out of the country.

P.S. Thanks for all you do to protect our freedom, Thursday just happened to be the anniversary of VE day in Europe. Thats when the Nazi's finally surrendered.

I agree with him on this one. My buddy tried it, and it does work.

[Lamar]

This sentence contradicts itself. Yes, she didn't respect a mutual decision, but the whole "man = head of the house" is soooooo quaint and really doesn't have a place in this day and age. Trust me, she'd resent it.

Not a contradiction if done properly. I've never not seen it work as long as it wasn't a domineering or tyrannical situation, which is what I think you're envisioning.

I'm with Borger--do a contract about it. I'd also see about couples financial counseling--if, of course, that's affordable. At the very least, see if a mutual, neutral friend is in the financial planning sector to see what options are in play and maybe the two of them can work something out.

Also, instead of thinking in terms of "X sum of money will go toward debt repayment," how about setting aside a portion of the paychecks, say 10%, and then gradually pay the debt off with that? Since it's a marriage, the two debts really are a "couple's debt" and setting up a specific bank account for bills might not be a bad idea. Once the debt is paid off, this could easily morph into a joint account, so each has their own discretionary accounts, plus the joint account for joint purchases or bills payments.

What do you think, Newbiewar?

This is good stuff right here.

[A Horse With No Name]

Get some books from the Library on budgeting, go out to eat at a cheap resteraunt where the two of you can be alone for 2-3 hours at a booth and agree to hammer out a budget.

Set up everything on auto-withdrawl so you have no late fees. Use cash for all budget items (groc, clothes, etc.) so you don't overspend.

Buy everything you can used (thrift stores are great) and limit going out to eat.

Get in the habbit of living simply.

This has worked for the Mrs. and I, and we have $1000 on the credit card I'm paying off this month, a small car loan, and a mortagae and that's it...with 5 kids.

You can do it, the important part is to hammer things out together and agree to things.

Also, give yourselves some spending money because if you have no spending $ your going to cheat on your budget.

Chris