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FAPTurbo

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Everything posted by FAPTurbo

  1. for a rental I got a Mitsubishi Outlander Sport (RVR in Canada) with about 200 miles on the odo. the target buyer is your weird aunt who always called herself ‘the fun aunt’ when you were 11 because she’s 44 but says she looks 41, unmarried, says words like ‘groovy’ , funky’ and ‘kiddo’ and always takes you to applebees for appy hour for some belated birthdate you had a week and a half ago. the aunt whose name your mom would slowly sigh out after hanging up another phone call where the subjects shifted between dried ovaries, outdated match.com profile photos, gravity’s toll and questioning why that nice boy way back in grade 12 never called again, while your dad sat at the kitchen table staring stone faced at the newspaper knowing if he made one smart remark, he’d be hit with it. she was on a tuesday evening date with a divorced 47-year old beergut named richie who drives the shuttle for an automall, and the sales manager at the mitsu dealer promised richie a $100 gift card to montana’s for each successful referral. your aunt jumped at the chance for a second date to ride richie’s short bus around the dealerships all day. unfortunately, richie interpreted ‘ride richie’s short bus’ incorrectly on the second date, so your aunt was promptly dropped off in front of a shiny Mitsubishi Outlander Sport. she loved how ‘it looks like a little truck’ and couldn’t believe the giant sunroof. a sales rep upon seeing an actual person on the lot, thought she was lost opening the door, the old navy yoga pants on aunt’s diminishing derrière slid onto the cheap, plasticky leather seating, her chunky jewelry-laden hands running along hard, hollow, textured plastics, leaving fingerprints on the sparse piano black plastic accents. ‘ooooh i can fit all my girlfriends in this for a road trip’ exclaimed your aunt to the sales rep, who silently doubted the plural in girlfriends as he looked at the decent interior space that welcomed nobody. as if by magic, the radio is tuned to 95.9 SPLASH FM, ‘WITH TRIX AND THE CHIX,‘ and shania is belting out on speakers tinnier than the discman headphones you had when she was popular. unable to see over the exaggerated hood and rear quarter panels, your aunt doesn’t care because the outlander allegedly has four wheel drive, so even snow won’t stop her from safely getting to her administrative job at the caster wheel wholesaler. in just a few short hours, the young finance guy who politely yet deftly ignored any ‘is there a missus todd?’ questions has put your aunt in the outlander for 72 months at just a little over $100 a week. now your aunt has plenty of hatchback to put bumper stickers like ‘I got crabs in Maryland’ and ‘Caution: Blonde Driving,’ and you’ll appreciate the last one because the mitsu’s handling isn’t good and feels disconnected from the road. the cvt makes the engine seem lazy, devoid of pep and drive. like your aunt, the mitsubishi outlander sport just... exists. it pleases no one even if it’s trying and it makes you feel bad.
  2. this genius idea brought to you by the same people who think newton metres is a viable branding scheme
  3. it’s like GM has major blind spots when it comes to marketing the camaro.
  4. oh good i was worried people with poor financials would have to get 84 month financing on a more sensible car
  5. gas is roughly $4.50 a gallon (USD) where i am and that hasn’t stopped people from buying trucks and suv’s
  6. if some new balance-wearing beer gut waddles into a dealership to pay over MSRP so he can slide his XXL cargo shorts into a corvette before everyone else at the old country buffet, that’s his business and dealerships should absolutely capitalize on his idiocy.
  7. considering the coming electric cooper has unimpressive range and BMW has no clue on how to electrify, this doesn’t bode well
  8. wait for it to be on the auction block for a buck.
  9. wow those figures are redder than my pee
  10. amateurs. i learned to text and drive with a manual just fine.
  11. to be honest, i’m an electric vehicle owner and even i am sick of reading about electric vehicles being inserted into every thread especially since they are inferior to mine and tesla’s in general
  12. nissan is quickly joining mitsubishi in the ‘who gives a sh*t category.’ every car they make is outclassed by hyundai, and the only thing they’ve learned to do better than korea is having even more obnoxious dealers loudly proclaiming: ‘BUY HERE PAY HERE NO CREDIT BAD CREDIT NO CARE DRIVE AWAY TODAY IN A BRAND NEW PRE-OWNED SENTRA SL THE SL STANDS FOR SUPER LOW PRICES OF JUST EIGHTY FOUR PAYMENTS OF NINETY NINE NINETY NINE NINETY NINE NINETY NINE LOOK FOR THE FLAGS AT EXIT 88 OFF THE INTERSTATE ROD GOZINYA’S NISSAN FREE HOT DOG LUNCH EVERY WEDNESDAY MILITARY SERVICEMEMBERS GET OUR THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE DISCOUNT A THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE DISCOUNT GETS YOU HALF OFF DOC FEES IT’S OUR WAY OF SAYING THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE RECENTLY DIVORCED RECENTLY DECEASED GET YOUR LIFE BACK ON TRACK PUSH, PULL OR DRAG YOUR CAR TO ROD GOZINYA’S NISSAN TODAY AND GET $2,000 TOWARDS A NEW NISSAN ALTIMA JUST EIGHTY FOUR EASY PAYMENTS LOOK FOR THE FLAGS AT EXIT 88 BY THE INTERSTATE!’
  13. i guess if he enjoyed pulling other people's wood, he'd be into it
  14. i once used a bike pump to induce farts and popped my inner tube
  15. the only mini things here are the range and predicted sales
  16. if that's a constant occurrence, maybe you need the driving aids
  17. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
  18. who is objectively, sanely, rationally, lucidly thinking that this is somehow better?
  19. the taco’s face is inoffensive compared to the garish trash that’s lurching out of gmc’s factories and into third place sales
  20. which nobody will buy because it’ll be more expensive than a WRX STI, less reliable than a Type R, not practical compared to a Veloster N, and too boy racery versus a Golf R.
  21. ‘camaro spirit’ 1 shot jim beam 1 shot wife beater armpit sweat stir with bone white, shaky, furious, parkinsons riddled finger after you’ve stated that ‘black lives matter’ pour over icy stare of third wife’s family law attorney garnish with 84 month finance paper serve on top of a coaster, preferably a by the numbers, who really cares dad rock album that even air shows think is beneath them
  22. only someone driving a camaro wouldn’t have had the visibility to see this coming a mile away...

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