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NOS does the NAIAS: 2nd Edition

Chris_Doane

By Chris_Doane
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Chris_Doane

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(This is a pretty large file so make sure you scroll around to see all of it.

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Ah yes, once again it is time for everyone's favorite map guide to the NAIAS. Guiding us again this year is none

other than NOS. As you can see, he's very excited, so lets not waste any time. Off we go.

NOS enters through the Macomb hall doors and is overcome with a massive cloud of new car smell. He immediately

passes out. Five minutes later, he wakes up to the bomb sniffing dog licking his face. To his left he sees the Accord Coupe

Concept. Skeptical, he walks over. "Hm...it doesn't actually look like a bland turd" he exclaims. It confuses him as he

actually finds it somewhat attractive...like that guy in his spanish class. But nevermind that. Moving on, he zips up to

the Acura concept. "Acura Corvette?" he wonders aloud. Hearing him, an Acura exec gives him a dirty look so he moves

towards the big, pretty, blue Ford area. NOS orbits the Interceptor Concept and he's impressed....perhaps even a little

intimidated. Silently he admits the car may be more manly than he is.

NOS heads east towards the Mazda display...along the way passing the Ford Airstream concept. The interior of

which sort of makes him feel like he's dropped acid recently. He reaches the Mazda Ryuga concept and he digs it. He tells

a friend "if you moves those huge doors up and down fast enough I bet it flies like a bird." His friend rolls his eyes and

walks on. NOS reaches the Volvo XC60 concept and does a loop-de-loop. He likes it, but then breaks into a bad Sweedish

chef impression and a Volvo exec tells him to get lost. NOS giggles.

NOS then stops dead in his vintage sneakers from American Eagle. In front of him is the Jaguar C-XF (#1 on your map.)

The corner of his mouth trembles a little. A single tear forms in the corner of his eye. A drop of pee comes out. "Dude is there

a wet spot on the front of my Hollister jeans which I paid $65.99 for?" he whispers to his bud. His friend rolls his eyes again.

NOS is overcome with the C-XF's beauty and has to sit down. Secretly he wishes Cory was here to hold and comfort him.

"That doesn't make me gay!" he tells himself.

Finally moving on, NOS skips merrily to the Aston Martin display and stops to do a blowfish on the glass wall surrounding the

display. He makes his way past Kia and walks around to the Lancers at the Mitsubishi area. He gives the Prototype X a

quick dry hump and then moves around the corner.

He sees and orange glow and then runs full tilt, knocking over an old woman with a walker and crashing into a stroller with

3 babies in it. It's the Camaro Vert Concept (#2 on your map). He makes two quick circles around the car and then sits down

indian style in front of the car for 30 mins. A 10 year old boy scowls at him for being immature. NOS closes his eyes and hums.

Believing he has reached his GM nirvana for the day, he gets up only to see the Chevy Volt (#3 on your map.) NOS does a pair

of loop-de-loops around the car, all the while making electrical noises under his breath. "Buzzzzz...zaaapp....zzzz..." The 10 year

old boy rolls his eyes.

Moving through the rest of the GM area he makes his way past the GMT-900s and the the G6 GXP. He throws up a little in his

mouth when he sees the GXP. Passing the Enclave he comments that it would "make a sweet shaggin wagon." NOS then reaches

the trio of CTS cars "(#4 on your map.) Walking around the various cars he likes what he sees and sets a personal goal of owning

one by the time he's 30. If that's not attainable he decides he will settle for a Cobalt with stickers over the dash that make the plastic

look like chrome and wood.

NOS then sees the Chevy WTCC concept and squeals (#5 on your map.) He loves its so much better than his yellow, large wing'ed

Cobalt. You'll notice on the map that he's so excited he feels the need to stand on his head. Security knocks him over

and tells him if he does it again they will deport him to Windsor. Moving on he walks towards Maserati, then up to Lexus, then down

to Rolls, then back up to Toyota, then back down to Lambo. He sees the Lambo models. He feels something damp in his pants again,

but its not pee. NOS' face turns bright red and he makes a mental note to bring extra underwear to next years show. He also makes

a mental note to check into that desensitizing cream he heard about. Getting back to the cars, he alternates between the Lexus/Toyota

area and the exotics...lamenting that its unfair they don't let you get near to the $400,000 Rolls Drophead. "Geez I just wanna rub my

cheek on the leather, whats so bad about that?"

Making his way past the tiny cars section of Cobo Hall (Scion & Smart) he decides to head to the DCX section. While checking

out the new Viper, he sees the giant waterfall feature and the big fake rocks. As you can see on the map NOS is mesmerized by the

waterfall (#6 on your map.) "Dude, they are spelling out $h! in the waterfall" he exclaims to his friend. "How in the name of popped

collars do they do that?!" Feeling brave, NOS takes off his shirt and begins dancing in the waterfall. Dr. Z comes over and slaps him

across the face with a fine leather glove. Feeling slighted, he finishes up his tour of the DCX area, cruising by the Jeep Trailhawk. He feels

afraid to get to close to it because the front of the car looks angry. He hides behind a friend and refuses to look the Trailhawk directly

in the headlights.

After being made nervous by the Trailhawk, NOS realizes he needs to pee. From the map you will see that he accidentally goes into the

womens rest room first. A woman slaps him after she thinks he's a peeping tom. Sadly you will notice on the map that the slap is

enough to knock NOS over and lay him out. He remains horizontal on the floor for several moments before going into the mens room.

Regaining his composure he heads over to Mini. Inside his head, he's torn because he really does think they are cool cars. However he'd

be afraid to actually own one because he thinks it might make him look "ghey." "Man I don't need to give Cory ANOTHER reason," he thinks

to himself. Nearing the end of his day he makes his way past the new BMW 3 series convertible. A BMW rep is demonstrating the top and

NOS snatches the key FOB from the rep. He makes the top go up and down ten times. A guy named Hans tells NOS he can either give the fob back

or be tazered in the genitals. NOS' face goes blank and his shoulders sag. He hands the fob back and walks towards Porsche. Porsche saw

what he did over at BMW and tells him to not even think about touching the 911's. "Fine," he shouts...."but my Cobalt SS could beat your 911

with just a few bolt on parts and a bigger wing!" The Porsche reps fall over laughing and have to be helped up.

NOS is then nose to nose with the Audi R8 (#7 on your map.) He makes one circle around it and stops. He quivers a little and some foam starts

to form at the corners on his mouth. He makes that noise that Homer Simpson makes when he sees pork rinds and beer. The bomb sniffing

dog who licked his face earlier then comes up again and bites him in the ass...snapping him out of his German supercar haze. NOS briefly

thinks about trying to get a job with a german OEM since they "understand fashion statements like popped collar."

Rounding out his day, he stops to look at the Chrysler Nassau. As he walks up, the car is facing directly at him and he enjoys the view.

As the car turns and the profile and rear come into view, he's puzzled. His facial expression resembles one of a monkey trying to do a

math problem. A sedan? A CUV? A wagon? He cannot figure out what the hell this thing is supposed to be. As he starts to leave, he sees

another car he can't figure out. It's the Nissan Bevel concept and it immediately makes NOS physically ill. He almost poops his pants on the

spot...which would be appropriate since the Bevel is brown. Never has he seen a car that makes his stomach boil over like he just ate one

of each on the diahhrea...er...dollar menu at taco bell.

NOS bolts for the Oakland Hall exit to get to a bathroom, but then sees an elevator. "Damn these things are so sweet! I gotta take a least

one ride!" So up and down he goes....yelling "wheeeeee" the whole time. NOS makes sure to jump off at the end so as not to be sucked under

the steps like his mother taught him when he was 4. Remembering that his lower intestine is about to burst like a pinata due to the Nissan freak

show, he runs into the closest bathroom he sees. A shout of "Aiyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....oooooh man" can be heard from outside the

bathroom. He then realizes he's in the women's bathroom. Again. "I thought it was odd there were no urinals..."

Needing to leave the women's restroom as fast as possible, but still needing to wash his hands, he bolts over to the mens room. He plays with

the automatic sink for a few mins. "How does it know?!?!" he wonders. As he walks out of the men's rooms after his day of automotive bliss, he

notices an "out of order" sign on the womens room and a janitor with a respirator heading inside. An angry policewoman is walking towards NOS

telling him not to move. NOS shrieks and runs out of the building onto Washington Ave.

He is hit by a Smart Four Two, but doesn't notice. Later he wondered how that scuff got on his best shoes.

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knightfan26917

knightfan26917

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I've gotta make it to NAIAS one year.

*nods*

Same here. I had planned to go for the Camaro debut last year, but didn't make it.

Ah, well ... someday :).

And, Chris ... simply AWESOME!!!

Cort:33swm."Mr Monte Carlo.Mr Road Trip".pig valve.pacemaker

PICS:lego.HO.model.MCinfo.RT.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort

"I'm about to put the hammer down" ... CW McCall ... 'Convoy'

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