So My Boyfriend Is Moving In.......

[The O.C.]

OK.....so I've had some more wine.....so time for my next thread.....LOL

So my boyfriend Joe has decided to move down here and move in with me. He lives in Santa Rosa, about 45mins north of San Francisco. We met in early November (online) and he came down on 11-16-07 for his first visit. Since then, he's been down here like 5-6 times. It hasn't been that long.....but.....

.....every time we are together, I'm the happiest man alive....and he is too. The last time I moved in with my BF (the "ex") it ended up in disaster for me....emotionally and financially. It was like a text-book case of what NOT to do......I just really hope I don't make the same mistakes. Although Joe is about 180 degrees from the type of person my ex is.....so that bodes well for me....LOL.

Joe is 26 and has lived most of his life up in Santa Rosa. His family is also all up there. But Joe was laid off right about the time we met, and his lease on his apt was up, so he moved out and has been with his mom for a few weeks until he decided where he was going to live.

My point is....if he is going to make a change in his life, no time is better than now....and I think that, along with hopefully wanting to be with me, has motivated him to start a new life down here in SoCal.

I've learned ALOT from my last relationship....and that gives me some comfort in moving forward with this relationship. I don't plan on repeating my mistakes. Part of me says "it's too soon." While another part of me can't stand being apart from him. I can say this.....when he and I are together, I've NEVER felt this way with anyone else I've ever dated or been with. I'd call it "love-at-first-site" and consider him my "soul-mate" if those two phrases weren't so cheesy.....but that's the way we are together.

Also....I'm quite the loner. Lord knows I like my time to myself. But whenever he's been down here, I've NEVER had that feeling of having my space "crowded" by him....or that feeling that I need to get away on my own for a bit. I love every minute that he's around me. When he leaves, I miss him before I've even made it back to the parking lot at the airport.

Not to get too graphic.....but the first time we had sex, I felt like I truly "made love" for the first time....instead of just f*ck'g.

SO....I guess I was just looking for feedback from some of you that have had similar situations. I truly want to make a great home for him. I miss him and really am looking forward to him being here. I just don't wanna f*ck it up.

[NOS2006]

Here's the line

----------------------------------

:AH-HA_wink: <----- Here's you

Kidding of course.

Good luck with everything. I'm sure it'll all work out!

Edited February 28, 2008 by NOS2006

[The O.C.]

Here's the line

----------------------------------

:AH-HA_wink: <----- Here's you

Kidding of course.

Good luck with everything. I'm sure it'll all work out!

<shush>.....he's a car whore too....! Yippee! Although not crazy enough to blog on websites like all of us.....LOL.....

(He likes the CTS though.....!)

His last car was a Mustang GT that had an aftermarket supercharger kit on it.....but his ex "took it away" from him (but also took the payments too.....LOL.)

He wants an old Fox-platform Mustang because he says they are pretty easy to soup-up....? Which is funny....cause he's kinda a "pretty-boy" and I can't see him getting his fingers dirty working on a car....LOL

[NOS2006]

They're easy to soup up.. but they're like Supras. You can have 500 WHP and still just be running 12s or 13s haha

[The O.C.]

They're easy to soup up.. but they're like Supras. You can have 500 WHP and still just be running 12s or 13s haha

It's not a bad idea.....I prefer the F-bodies of that era......but it would be fun to get an old Mustang LX 2-door 5.0.....and work it over......

[NOS2006]

Ahh how I love F-Bodies. Get an IROC with a 350 or an LS1 4th Gen and you'll have a badass base to start off of!

[The O.C.]

Ahh how I love F-Bodies. Get an IROC with a 350 or an LS1 4th Gen and you'll have a badass base to start off of!

You know what I've always wanted? And this will sound wierd......

....but I'd LOVE an original '82 Trans-Am....with those plastic black T/A wheel covers....with the carbeurated (sp?) 5.0L V8 and 4-speed manual.

I know they were dog slow.....but god that original '82 F-body was pretty.....and you could probably have some fun working on that simple V8 engine......

[daves87rs]

I hope everything works out for you....it does sound good though....

I can say I know it can't hurt, as it's worst going having the "what ifs" rather than making the wrong decision....

Gotta take a chance and live life (and love) to the fullest.

You guys seem to have quite a few things in common, which is very good.

[daves87rs]

Ahh how I love F-Bodies. Get an IROC with a 350 or an LS1 4th Gen and you'll have a badass base to start off of!

[VenSeattle]

Ummm... do we really want to get back on topic?

Anyhow... I'll speak from experience, but I'm on the other end. I'm the younger one in my 8+ year relationship with my partner. I'm also the one who chose to move from Texas to Washington after dating 1.5 years (voluntary job transfer/career transition with EDS.) Another difference is that I was more financially stable than my partner at the time (he just finished paying off his student loans and was only 1 year young at Microsoft.)

Ugh... is there ever a place to begin? It gets easier as the years add up. Age differences only become an issue if there are large gaps in maturity, interests, experiences, etc... If you're both well rounded, responsible, and have good common sense then that's a great start. I've learned that most insecurities that break people up (age, religion, jealousy, family, friends, careers, etc) are really dependant on the maturity of the individual and how well that person can handle those type of (usually irrational) fears.

Ups and Downs... buying a house, deaths on both sides of the family, getting pets, maintaining focus on personal goals (financial, career, personal, hobbies, etc) can all become overwhelming. There's only so much a couple can do ahead of time to cope (e.g. What if my office moves to Portland? Will I need to move or work remotely? Am I willing to move? Can I commute? Will we both move? Will we sell the house or buy a second home?) Ugh... it's easy to let a non-existing "crisis" spiral out of control before it ever becomes an issue (if it ever becomes an issue.) There's a big difference between strategic planning/assessing risks and worrying yourself to death over hypothetical scenarios to the point of self-implosion.

Outside of the short amount of time you two have known each other, it sounds like you're off to a good start. Hopefully you both are good communicators and have patience. recommendations...

Honest communication - Both need to convey (upfront) what is expected out of the relationship/living arrangement

- Is Joe moving in temporarily until he gets on his feet or is this potentially permanent?

- bills (nuff said)

- Dating: FWB? Casual? Serious? Open? Closed?

- He'll be meeting a ton of new people since he's just moving there. He'll like some of your friends... some he won't. Same with the new friends he'll make. Do you really know the type of people he likes to hang out with or is drawn to? Will that matter?

Patience - Both have different habits and different levels of maturity... Remember “Getting to know you” is supposed to be the fun part…

OC, you're older... more set in your ways... and it's your place. Joe's life will be very vulnerable since he's the one moving to a strange place. It won't be so simple to "call it quits" or "kick him out" if it doesn't go well the first few months or year. In the beginning he'll mostly know your friends, and go to only places you already visit. A break up could be devastating to Joe, especially if he doesn't have a job or if it's unstable. Be tolerant.

Hopefully Joe will be a gracious partner and respectful of your things. Just remember, he is more than someone renting a room. He can't be considered a stranger in his own home. Space needs to be relinquished to allow him to feel comfortable in his new (and shared) surroundings. Suck it up and try new options and, above all, remember to compromise and find common ground.

To sum it all up:

It takes two willing individuals to make a relationship work, but only one needs to give up for it to end. If the relationship falls apart, one or both decided to give up before it happened. Usually continuous honest communication between both parties can decide if a relationship is to be dissolved before something can happen to hurt either party.

.

.

.

So... There's my feedback on a somewhat similar situation. Almost 9 years and still going... Yay! It hasn't been perfect, but it wasn't expected to be. Living life will be exciting, scary, fun, painful, humiliating, and rewarding. You can do it by yourself, but it's much better if done with someone you love.

[Oracle of Delphi]

VenSeattle, I didn't know you were from TexAss like me, I grew up in Plano from my preteen years on, small world huh? :AH-HA_wink:

[Intrepidation]

Good luck with it! My girlfriend and I moving in together was the best thing that ever happened to us (besides meeting of course). It's better to take a chance than to not and always wonder if you should have, so go for it and enjoy!

[The O.C.]

Ummm... do we really want to get back on topic?

Anyhow... I'll speak from experience, but I'm on the other end. I'm the younger one in my 8+ year relationship with my partner. I'm also the one who chose to move from Texas to Washington after dating 1.5 years (voluntary job transfer/career transition with EDS.) Another difference is that I was more financially stable than my partner at the time (he just finished paying off his student loans and was only 1 year young at Microsoft.)

Ugh... is there ever a place to begin? It gets easier as the years add up. Age differences only become an issue if there are large gaps in maturity, interests, experiences, etc... If you're both well rounded, responsible, and have good common sense then that's a great start. I've learned that most insecurities that break people up (age, religion, jealousy, family, friends, careers, etc) are really dependant on the maturity of the individual and how well that person can handle those type of (usually irrational) fears.

Ups and Downs... buying a house, deaths on both sides of the family, getting pets, maintaining focus on personal goals (financial, career, personal, hobbies, etc) can all become overwhelming. There's only so much a couple can do ahead of time to cope (e.g. What if my office moves to Portland? Will I need to move or work remotely? Am I willing to move? Can I commute? Will we both move? Will we sell the house or buy a second home?) Ugh... it's easy to let a non-existing "crisis" spiral out of control before it ever becomes an issue (if it ever becomes an issue.) There's a big difference between strategic planning/assessing risks and worrying yourself to death over hypothetical scenarios to the point of self-implosion.

Outside of the short amount of time you two have known each other, it sounds like you're off to a good start. Hopefully you both are good communicators and have patience. recommendations...

Honest communication - Both need to convey (upfront) what is expected out of the relationship/living arrangement

- Is Joe moving in temporarily until he gets on his feet or is this potentially permanent?

- bills (nuff said)

- Dating: FWB? Casual? Serious? Open? Closed?

- He'll be meeting a ton of new people since he's just moving there. He'll like some of your friends... some he won't. Same with the new friends he'll make. Do you really know the type of people he likes to hang out with or is drawn to? Will that matter?

Patience - Both have different habits and different levels of maturity... Remember “Getting to know you” is supposed to be the fun part…

OC, you're older... more set in your ways... and it's your place. Joe's life will be very vulnerable since he's the one moving to a strange place. It won't be so simple to "call it quits" or "kick him out" if it doesn't go well the first few months or year. In the beginning he'll mostly know your friends, and go to only places you already visit. A break up could be devastating to Joe, especially if he doesn't have a job or if it's unstable. Be tolerant.

Hopefully Joe will be a gracious partner and respectful of your things. Just remember, he is more than someone renting a room. He can't be considered a stranger in his own home. Space needs to be relinquished to allow him to feel comfortable in his new (and shared) surroundings. Suck it up and try new options and, above all, remember to compromise and find common ground.

To sum it all up:

It takes two willing individuals to make a relationship work, but only one needs to give up for it to end. If the relationship falls apart, one or both decided to give up before it happened. Usually continuous honest communication between both parties can decide if a relationship is to be dissolved before something can happen to hurt either party.

.

.

.

So... There's my feedback on a somewhat similar situation. Almost 9 years and still going... Yay! It hasn't been perfect, but it wasn't expected to be. Living life will be exciting, scary, fun, painful, humiliating, and rewarding. You can do it by yourself, but it's much better if done with someone you love.

Very insightful, and I appreciate it....!

You and I are on the same boat.....and I totally agree with your suggestions.

My ex and I moved in together too early......and it was a disaster......too early not in time, but too early in the level of maturity of our relationship. To be honest, I can tell you that I was not as committed emotionally with my ex as I am with Joe. I think that in and of itself makes a HUGE difference.

Plus, he moved from Seattle to be with me....he didn't want me to continue my own life....and I didn't understand the huge emotional toll of his decision to move for me. It was me that learned alot from that relationship.....alot about myself....and alot about what I need to bring to a relationship.

(The ex and I are good friends to this day.....the relationship wasn't all bad....)

Needless to say, I'll be going into it with a MUCH clearer head this time.

I have to say.....I'm still giddy every time I see him......I still get butterflies. I never had butterflies with my ex....! I know people aren't perfect, but with him it really seems like he's what I've always dreamed about.....

[K.C.]

Good luck to ya O.C. man. I don't have a big detailed advice column for you, but I will say that a relationship should only add to your life, when it doesn't, its time to try to make it do so, if it doesn't work, then get out. It's great that yall have something in common.

[deftonesfan867]

Congrats O.C. and good luck

[A Horse With No Name]

Congrats. I've been with the same woman for 23 years and I always love it when other people seem to find their "soul mate" or start a new relationship.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Chris

[Blake Noble]

Good to hear that everything is going great for you, O.C.

My relationship, however ... is starting to sour around the corners a bit ... yeah.

[The O.C.]

Good to hear that everything is going great for you, O.C.

My relationship, however ... is starting to sour around the corners a bit ... yeah.

What's up?

[Blake Noble]

What's up?

Mainly arguing. And plenty of it.

She's also becoming increasingly paranoid about me leaving her. That paranoia is pretty much unwarranted because I have never done anything to give her any sort of impression that I was going to break things off with her in the first place. I've also been noticing she's been giving me a lot of negative attitude lately when I'm usually in a good mood about things. (That really troubles me.) She also tries to ... "over take" me at times. For example, and I know it's a little thing, she never lets me listen to any radio station on my own radio in my own truck. It's always pop station after pop station after pop station and I get really sick of it because they play nothing but the same &#036;h&#33; over and over. She uses the whole "if you love me, you wouldn't care" excuse and it's ... a bad form of emotional blackmail and it really gets under my skin to no end. I should start using it on her when I want to listen to a few decent local rock stations.

And I know that there is an increasing chance of a possible conflict between her mom or step-dad and myself. She gets treated quite unfairly when her brother gets in trouble and this really upsets me. She has no self-confidence to stand up for herself and defend herself and it does get a bit tiring at times because I always have to convince her to do whats right and speak up for herself when she's being punished for doing nothing wrong. And I'm also sick of her parents using me as an ultimatum when there is a conflict between them and her.

I want things to last another six months, I really do. But sometimes I fear it won't last much longer. And that sort of mentality isn't good for any relationship.

Edited February 29, 2008 by YellowJacket894

[Paolino]

Look, OC, only you know what's best for you. I wish you luck and happiness. Just don't compare him to the ex ever since he'll be the first guy living with you since the ex... it's what I do, and no good comes from it.

But just take it one day at a time, and do what feels right. Keep the communication open, and for now, finances separate.

[CARBIZ]

Good luck. Trust your own judgment. I had one relationship last 10 years and my current BF has lived with me for nearly 6: both moved in with me in a matter of a few weeks of meeting. I never had second thoughts. When I was dating, guys (usually the younger ones) would ask,"How do you know if you've met the right one." The answer to that is very simple: you don't ask. You just know. And if you do have to ask, then something isn't right and your inner voice is setting off alarm bells.

Having a BF that knows NOTHING about cars can save on the arguments, though!

[Cory Wolfe]

Good luck, OC. You, too, YJ.

Not to turn this thread onto myself any... I've sort of given up on the idea of posting personal stuff because of backlash, but I've been happily (and sometimes annoyingly) in a relationship for... Damn, 5 or 6 weeks now. Started off great, but hit a really rough patch induced by his overly controlling mother and his inability to think before he acts at times. I haven't seen him since we started dating because of this. It's hard, but we're working through it slowly. Hopefully we'll be able to see each other again soon enough. He just needs to keep being nice to his mom and not saying or doing anything stupid. It may go either way... I don't have the highest of hopes for him.

[2005 EquinoxLS]

Just a little piece of advice for eveybody. Life is too short to waste on something that isnt going to work. Tried that a few times. Wasnt worth it. The woman who liked vodka too much was a real treat. Or the one that thought I was her own taxi just so she could see her boyfriend. Doesnt mean I have given up on a good relationship but it isnt as easy as the guy on Eharmony.com makes it out to be.

[The O.C.]

Look, OC, only you know what's best for you. I wish you luck and happiness. Just don't compare him to the ex ever since he'll be the first guy living with you since the ex... it's what I do, and no good comes from it.

But just take it one day at a time, and do what feels right. Keep the communication open, and for now, finances separate.

A-men on the separate finances thing.....

As far as comparing him to my ex, well, there IS no comparing him to my ex. He's so much more rounded....and grounded....he's the type of guy I should have been with in the first place.

I'm looking forward to us continuing to grow together.....getting to know each other even more....and all of those wonderful things that a relationship is all about. I'm smart enough to know that nothing is a utopia, and you always are going to be working hard to strengthen the relationship....and I welcome that...!

[The O.C.]

Mainly arguing. And plenty of it.

She's also becoming increasingly paranoid about me leaving her. That paranoia is pretty much unwarranted because I have never done anything to give her any sort of impression that I was going to break things off with her in the first place. I've also been noticing she's been giving me a lot of negative attitude lately when I'm usually in a good mood about things. (That really troubles me.) She also tries to ... "over take" me at times. For example, and I know it's a little thing, she never lets me listen to any radio station on my own radio in my own truck. It's always pop station after pop station after pop station and I get really sick of it because they play nothing but the same &#036;h&#33; over and over. She uses the whole "if you love me, you wouldn't care" excuse and it's ... a bad form of emotional blackmail and it really gets under my skin to no end. I should start using it on her when I want to listen to a few decent local rock stations.

And I know that there is an increasing chance of a possible conflict between her mom or step-dad and myself. She gets treated quite unfairly when her brother gets in trouble and this really upsets me. She has no self-confidence to stand up for herself and defend herself and it does get a bit tiring at times because I always have to convince her to do whats right and speak up for herself when she's being punished for doing nothing wrong. And I'm also sick of her parents using me as an ultimatum when there is a conflict between them and her.

I want things to last another six months, I really do. But sometimes I fear it won't last much longer. And that sort of mentality isn't good for any relationship.

You know what Dr. Laura would say......

You deserve to be happy just as much as she does. And if you're not happy, then maybe it's time to sit her down and be candid with her about how you are feeling, and more importantly, how her actions towards you, and towards her family, are impacting you. The discussion doesn't have to be confrontational, just truthful.

THEN, you will really know where this is going based upon HER actions. (Plus it gives her an opportunity to provide YOU feedback if such is warranted.)

My suggestion is.....don't wait the six months. Do it now.

[The O.C.]

Good luck. Trust your own judgment. I had one relationship last 10 years and my current BF has lived with me for nearly 6: both moved in with me in a matter of a few weeks of meeting. I never had second thoughts. When I was dating, guys (usually the younger ones) would ask,"How do you know if you've met the right one." The answer to that is very simple: you don't ask. You just know. And if you do have to ask, then something isn't right and your inner voice is setting off alarm bells.

Having a BF that knows NOTHING about cars can save on the arguments, though!

OMG....you're GAY....?

I NEVER KNEW!

I have a whole new appreciation for you 'BIZ....!!!!!!

Seriously though.....you are right. You just KNOW. That's how I feel with Joe. All my friends are very skeptical, but most of them have not even met him yet. I know it's just because they love me...and don't want to see me hurt again. And I understand where they are coming from.

But somehow, someway, I just KNOW.....that it's right with him. Even I have my own slight doubts.....(who wouldn't when you've been in a long-distance relationship) But somehow my doubts are overshadowed by the feeling that things happen for a reason. And if he and I are truly meant to be together, then things will happen for the right reason.

The other day I was asking myself...."Why do I love Joe?" And I couldn't really come up with a statistical answer. Sure I could wax on all about how attracted I am to him.....how cute he is....how great the sex is.....how he is caring and loving towards me.....but those all really aren't reasons for love. All I know is.....that deep inside my heart.....I have these true feelings of fondness, caring, and yes love.

I've been in true love before.....on only a few occasions.....and I know what love feels like apart from simple attraction or lust....and it's wildly different.

[The O.C.]

Good luck, OC. You, too, YJ.

Not to turn this thread onto myself any... I've sort of given up on the idea of posting personal stuff because of backlash, but I've been happily (and sometimes annoyingly) in a relationship for... Damn, 5 or 6 weeks now. Started off great, but hit a really rough patch induced by his overly controlling mother and his inability to think before he acts at times. I haven't seen him since we started dating because of this. It's hard, but we're working through it slowly. Hopefully we'll be able to see each other again soon enough. He just needs to keep being nice to his mom and not saying or doing anything stupid. It may go either way... I don't have the highest of hopes for him.

.....is he good in the sack?

[CARBIZ]

OMG....you're GAY....?

I NEVER KNEW!

I have a whole new appreciation for you 'BIZ....!!!!!!

Seriously though.....you are right. You just KNOW. That's how I feel with Joe. All my friends are very skeptical, but most of them have not even met him yet. I know it's just because they love me...and don't want to see me hurt again. And I understand where they are coming from.

But somehow, someway, I just KNOW.....that it's right with him. Even I have my own slight doubts.....(who wouldn't when you've been in a long-distance relationship) But somehow my doubts are overshadowed by the feeling that things happen for a reason. And if he and I are truly meant to be together, then things will happen for the right reason.

The other day I was asking myself...."Why do I love Joe?" And I couldn't really come up with a statistical answer. Sure I could wax on all about how attracted I am to him.....how cute he is....how great the sex is.....how he is caring and loving towards me.....but those all really aren't reasons for love. All I know is.....that deep inside my heart.....I have these true feelings of fondness, caring, and yes love.

I've been in true love before.....on only a few occasions.....and I know what love feels like apart from simple attraction or lust....and it's wildly different.

Honey, I am probably the ORIGINAL fag :AH-HA_wink: My parents 'found out' in '76 (when I was 15.) Try holding hands with your BF on Yonge St. in 1978 and see what kind of cat-calls you lived through. That was at the height of Anita Bryant's fanatiscism! Plus, when I worked at Canada's biggest Caddy dealer in '81/'82, I was out to all the guys there - and managed a couple dates out of that knowledge, too!

Back on topic, though, to add to what Paolino said, keep you finances separate in the beginning, get a good prenup if a house or condo is involved, but be prepared to amalgamate your finances should the relationship last past 3 or 4 years. One of the reasons my BF of 10 years and I spit up was that when we met I was making a lot of money (had my own company), had a boat, the car, the house, the fab holidays - all paid for by me. He was 23, I was 30. But when we moved to the big bad city (after my family pulled a coup on my company), and our finances took a huge dive, trouble began. My attempts at putting him on a budget failed and even as my income continued to be double his, I naively thought we could keep our finances separate. It wasn't until I gave up on that, and we 'decided' that he would 'give' me half what he made and I would pay ALL the bills (except his cigarettes, junk food, and clothing stuff), that things finally began to calm down. Then we split up. The joke was on me.

Current BF makes about the same as me, but has a ton of money in Brazil, so I am the one playing catch up this time.

And watch out for year 4 BLAHS. Straight people can handle it, because they usually have kids to bog them down and distract themselves from the fact that they haven't had sex in 3 months, and they've both gained 40 lbs, but we gay folk don't have those distractions. Be prepared to get 'creative' with the sex life. Lust is part of love, IMO, and those who ignore the sex part are asking for trouble when something younger (inevitably) comes along and catches one's eye. You do reach a comfort zone in year 3 and 4, but be wary of taking each other for granted. You'd be asking for big trouble.

And say, "I love you' every day.

[Cory Wolfe]

.....is he good in the sack?

Little bit, yes.

[A Horse With No Name]

You know what I've always wanted? And this will sound wierd......

....but I'd LOVE an original '82 Trans-Am....with those plastic black T/A wheel covers....with the carbeurated (sp?) 5.0L V8 and 4-speed manual.

I know they were dog slow.....but god that original '82 F-body was pretty.....and you could probably have some fun working on that simple V8 engine......

A friend of mine in high school had one. Lots of great memories of that car.

Chris

[Blake Noble]

Good luck, OC. You, too, YJ.

Thanks, BV.

You know what Dr. Laura would say......

You deserve to be happy just as much as she does. And if you're not happy, then maybe it's time to sit her down and be candid with her about how you are feeling, and more importantly, how her actions towards you, and towards her family, are impacting you. The discussion doesn't have to be confrontational, just truthful.

THEN, you will really know where this is going based upon HER actions. (Plus it gives her an opportunity to provide YOU feedback if such is warranted.)

My suggestion is.....don't wait the six months. Do it now.

Well, I talked to her about some things today. Didn't bring it out with any hostility or anything. And, it ended up in another argument, for the most part.

Edited March 1, 2008 by YellowJacket894

[The O.C.]

Thanks, BV.

Well, I talked to her about some things today. Didn't bring it out with any hostility or anything. And, it ended up in another argument, for the most part.

Well, I certainly can't claim to know you or your GF, but I would not take that as a good sign.

Perhaps she needs a little kick-in-the-ass.....start planning a separation from her. Start moving on with your life. She'll either snap to, or she'll let you go....eh??

I know it's "easy" for me to say.....and tough for you to do in real life.....but man I'm getting pissed for you just sitting here and thinking about how she is treating you.....and just making such light of your feelings.....

[Blake Noble]

Well, I certainly can't claim to know you or your GF, but I would not take that as a good sign.

Perhaps she needs a little kick-in-the-ass.....start planning a separation from her. Start moving on with your life. She'll either snap to, or she'll let you go....eh??

That thought has crossed my mind already, from time to time, and, in a few ways, I really am already sort of severing a few ties with her. I've cut back somewhat on how much I see her (it's just by a mild margin, nothing like cold turkey) and some things that run on a deeper level, as well, and she only mentions it every now and then. It's not a good sign, I know. Yet I'm still mostly reluctant to let go.

I know it's "easy" for me to say.....and tough for you to do in real life.....but man I'm getting pissed for you just sitting here and thinking about how she is treating you.....and just making such light of your feelings.....

Yeah, tough is a bit of an understatement.

You know, one thing that I absolutely despise about our arguments is that every time we do argue, we always bring up some sort of baggage we've had to deal with over the years. And it would be actually be a good thing, confronting it with her at the end of our confrontations, if I didn't already feel as if I've dealt with it and moved on past it. It's sort of like having your past agonies literally come back to haunt you after you thought you've rid yourself of them and forgiven yourself for them and for all.

Edited March 1, 2008 by YellowJacket894

[The O.C.]

That thought has crossed my mind already, from time to time, and, in a few ways, I really am already sort of severing a few ties with her. I've cut back somewhat on how much I see her (it's just by a mild margin, nothing like cold turkey) and some things that run on a deeper level, as well, and she only mentions it every now and then. It's not a good sign, I know. Yet I'm still mostly reluctant to let go.

Yeah, tough is a bit of an understatement.

You know, one thing that I absolutely despise about our arguments is that every time we do argue, we always bring up some sort of baggage we've had to deal with over the years. And it would be actually be a good thing, confronting it with her at the end of our confrontations, if I didn't already feel as if I've dealt with it and moved on past it. It's sort of like having your past agonies literally come back to haunt you after you thought you've rid yourself of them and forgiven yourself for them and for all.

I'm wondering.....when you guys argue over something.....does SHE bring up the past baggage?

Perhaps she does to cloud the very issue you are trying to discuss with her at that time because she doesn't want to deal with it....

[Blake Noble]

I'm wondering.....when you guys argue over something.....does SHE bring up the past baggage?

Perhaps she does to cloud the very issue you are trying to discuss with her at that time because she doesn't want to deal with it....

6.5/10, she is the one who brings up her baggage, yes.

On the occasion I do, it's not because I don't want to avoid the issue at hand, it's to show her than everything in my life hasn't been as rosy red as she believes it to be (something that she says a lot is the whole "you've had it better than I have" sort of line).

[Drew Dowdell]

Some maturing is in order for your girlfriend. "If you loved me you wouldn't care.." emotional blackmail bull&#036;h&#33; is stuff little 5 year old girls do to their daddy.

edit: Sorry if I came across a bit harsh... just feel very strongly about this kinda stuff because this is what my ex would try to pull on me.... but for stuff far more major than which radio station we were listening to.

[Blake Noble]

Some maturing is in order for your girlfriend. "If you loved me you wouldn't care.." emotional blackmail bull&#036;h&#33; is stuff little 5 year old girls do to their daddy.

edit: Sorry if I came across a bit harsh... just feel very strongly about this kinda stuff because this is what my ex would try to pull on me.... but for stuff far more major than which radio station we were listening to.

It's ok, Oldsmoboi. I agree that she tends to act pretty immature at times and it gets on my nerves. And it goes beyond what radio station we're listening too, that's just a general example of some BS I have to put up with, pretty much on every car trip. It kills me. (By the way, she says she "does it to annoy me." She's come right out and said it. Well, it's working. Pop music drives me bat f@#k insane.) A more extreme example is when, at times, I cannot buy her something she really wants. She doesn't do the whole "if you loved me ..." deal, but she just lays on her moans of woe and want thick. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to buy her a lot of things. But when you have a job that has paid you a f@#king piss poor one hundred-bucks for two weeks worth of work in the past, and constantly cuts your hours like the throat of a savage pig, you have very, very little room to breathe. (I'm about ready to quit that job. Can anyone tell me how hard it is detailing cars for a dealership?)

Edited March 1, 2008 by YellowJacket894

[ocnblu]

cue the sitar...

LOVE

[The O.C.]

It's ok, Oldsmoboi. I agree that she tends to act pretty immature at times and it gets on my nerves. And it goes beyond what radio station we're listening too, that's just a general example of some BS I have to put up with, pretty much on every car trip. It kills me. (By the way, she says she "does it to annoy me." She's come right out and said it. Well, it's working. Pop music drives me bat f@#k insane.) A more extreme example is when, at times, I cannot buy her something she really wants. She doesn't do the whole "if you loved me ..." deal, but she just lays on her moans of woe and want thick. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to buy her a lot of things. But when you have a job that has paid you a f@#king piss poor one hundred-bucks for two weeks worth of work in the past, and constantly cuts your hours like the throat of a savage pig, you have very, very little room to breathe. (I'm about ready to quit that job. Can anyone tell me how hard it is detailing cars for a dealership?)

OK....I admit at the sake of being blunt......

Why would you want to be with someone that admits they do stuff on purpose to annoy you? Is that what love is really about? I'd be done with that, oh, in about 30 seconds.....

You sound like a great guy....and definitely deserve better.

But....I'd be the first to admit that sometimes love can make you blind......(it certainly did with me and my ex.....)

[Blake Noble]

OK....I admit at the sake of being blunt......

Why would you want to be with someone that admits they do stuff on purpose to annoy you? Is that what love is really about? I'd be done with that, oh, in about 30 seconds.....

I don't know. I'll admit, this relationship is by far one of my more closer ones, it's a relationship where you've shown yourself vulnerable and told a lot of personal secrets which you thought you'd never share with anyone, if I'm making any sense, and a big part of me is really reluctant to let go of that and is willing to put up with more than I should really take.

You sound like a great guy....and definitely deserve better.

Thanks, O.C.

But....I'd be the first to admit that sometimes love can make you blind......(it certainly did with me and my ex.....)

You know, I should really just take some time and think everything out. Figure out if everything is really worth it or not ...

Edited March 1, 2008 by YellowJacket894

[The O.C.]

DAMN.....not to drag my own thread on.....but was over at my friends' house last night and both of them were telling me not to let him move down....and how much of a mistake it would be.....and to "cut it off" right now.

My best friend on last Thursday said he also didn't think it was a good thing.....and that he's worried about me.....

Why is everyone so down on this? Especially when they all know how much I care about him? Everyone thinks he's "working" me and "using" me.....that's everyone's overriding feeling.

I guess I figure that THIS time I'm in the driver's seat.....I'm not giving up anything to let him move down and see if this will work. It's not like with my ex when I sold my house and bought one together with him and THEN it all went to hell-and-a-handbasket. This time, I can try to do this right and not make the same mistakes I did last time.

He certainly doesn't ACT like he's just "working" me or "using" me. But true love is SO tough to find these days......how can you not pass up the opportunity to be with the person you care so much for? This, I think, is a perfect way to find out just where our relationship is going to end up going.

And if it doesn't work out, or I find out he had alterior motives, I've lost nothing.....except my heart.....but anytime you go into a relationship and fall in love, you always risk a bit of emotional hurt.

[The O.C.]

I don't know. I'll admit, this relationship is by far one of my more closer ones, it's a relationship where you've shown yourself vulnerable and told a lot of personal secrets which you thought you'd never share with anyone, if I'm making any sense, and a big part of me is really reluctant to let go of that and is willing to put up with more than I should really take.

I really need to take some time and just think everything out. Figure out if everything is really worth it or not.

....I understand....and no relationship is perfect.....and they all take work and effort.

Hopefully she shows you how much she loves you and cares for you in other ways. It's up to you to figure out where that line should be balanced. We all have to do that.

[A Horse With No Name]

Keep us posted, he sounds like a great guy.

Those of us out here in internetland care and want to see you and BF happy!

Chris

[A Horse With No Name]

Some maturing is in order for your girlfriend. "If you loved me you wouldn't care.." emotional blackmail bull&#036;h&#33; is stuff little 5 year old girls do to their daddy.

edit: Sorry if I came across a bit harsh... just feel very strongly about this kinda stuff because this is what my ex would try to pull on me.... but for stuff far more major than which radio station we were listening to.

Actually I have three daughters, 7, 11, and 17. None of them EVER tried to pull any of that on me. This kind of &#036;h&#33; is wrong if your male or female, young or old.

Chris

[Oracle of Delphi]

Actually I have three daughters, 7, 11, and 17. None of them EVER tried to pull any of that on me. This kind of &#036;h&#33; is wrong if your male or female, young or old.

Chris

I will pray for you Chris, all that Estrogen wafting though your house, it's a wonder you can think straight! :AH-HA_wink:

[Cory Wolfe]

Take everything I said and flush it.

[Paolino]

What are your friends' reasons for thinking he's working/using you?

[ocnblu]

Could it be they're just jealous... don't want to see you happy, etc., or is there something to their claims? You should be able to tell.

[Drew Dowdell]

Actually I have three daughters, 7, 11, and 17. None of them EVER tried to pull any of that on me. This kind of &#036;h&#33; is wrong if your male or female, young or old.

Chris

them kids is bein raised right.

[Oracle of Delphi]

You have heard of the term "Blinded by Love!", maybe your friends just see things at this point, that you won't or actually can't see. If they are good, close, friends, I wouldn't just dismiss their concerns out of hand, I would sit down with each of them and try to work though their concerns, just maybe you and your friends might see some common ground to move on from, after all if they are good, close friends, they should only have your best interest at heart.