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Intrepidation

So it looks like we're moving soon

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However not on the terms I had planned.

Here goes. My brother started college in Dartmouth last fall, and wanted to come home weekends. Myself and my girlfriend agreed to make the 4 hour round trip to get him and my mother to trip to take him back. That was the agreement. What enede up happening is she was too lazy to do it herself, and we got stuck doing it every week, Fridays and Sundays until vacation. We had a talk, which she got pissy about, but in the end agreed yet again to do it 50/50. Fast forward to last week, I go with her to show her the way, but explain that my girfriend and I want to stay home, so neither one of us would join. This ment she'd drive the way back by herself...not a big deal to normal people but she made a big stink about it...whatever.

This week, we go pick him up on Friday. Sunday (today) rolls around and it's her term. I remind her again and she throws a fit, and proceeds to bitch and piss and moan until she crosses the line, and accuses me of not giving her warning, then calls us useless. Well with that we took the car and left to do it ourselves, yet again.

So we get back and she's pissed that we left her behind, and wants us to move out. Gladly, as we've wanted to get out of here for some time now. Only problem s the lack of funds...a big problem really.

To get a full scope of how my mother is, you have to realize that she is:

  • lazy
  • possessive
  • thinks she does everything when she does hardly anything
  • gives no thanks or credit but expects it from everyone else.
  • NEVER admits she's wrong

She's lazy, because she spends 90% of her time on this gay f@#king game, World of Warcraft. She's one of those people who lays it obsessively, neglecting everything around them. Work? She works as a crossing guard for a whopping 5 hours a week for $74 pay. The other $200 she makes every other week comes from child support. Never makes dinner unless you count "popcorn" or a hotdog dinner. Rarely she's go all out and throw something in the oven.

Possessive, because everything is "her's" The sink, kitchen, the car she calls a piece of $h! yet has never left us stranded, my brother's car because it's not in his name yet...you name it. It's "her's" not "ours".

She makes a big fuss when something doesn't get done, like dishes for example, yet her idea of "doing the dishes" is moving the dirty stuff from teh sink to the counter. We're the ones who actually clean them.

Thankless, like how we never get appreciated for driving her son to and from college every week, or make dinner, or fix something.

Never admits she's wrong...every time there is an argument it is always the other person's fault, and she will take what you say and throw it back at you. Never apologizes of course. Case in point. When we got home tonight she was pissed that we up and l"left her stranded" (like she had any place to go anyway), yet completely ignores me when I told her that she falsely accused me of not tell her that we weren't planning to come, so she had "time" to ask a friend to go with her, as well as the useless comment she made.

She's also one of those 2-faced people. If you don't now her that well or spend much time with your, you'd think she's great. But the facade wears off when you have to live with her...and that's what people don't know.

So the end result is she wanted her keys back to her ($h!ty) car, and wants us to move. Normally this would probably blow over and mediocre life would go on as normal, but this time Jessica and I have had it. Now, more than ever, we want out.

But the problem comes back down to money, and the lack thereof. Living in the North East is ultra expensive, which is why we haven't moved sooner. We want to move back down to Springfield, MO, where her family lives. The money I make just isn't enough to cover bills and save up...and of course the economy is in the $h!ter. I get paid $1,100 for building a patent attorney's website..but $800 of that must go to the cars to make them ready for the trip. Another $400 goes to car insurance monthly. I make $200-300 weekly...not really enough to work with...and the crappy economy has made it hard to find work...and I don't know how good it looks working for some place to leave as soon as enough money is saved. We are talking leaving before the end of the month if possible. Ugh, I just don't know what to do.

It feels weird to post this stuff here...but someone needs to know the real story besides us.

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Thing is, things didn't always used to be like this...since shortly before my parents separated and she started playing that infernal game it's been a slow downward slope to hell.

She used to work for the IRS, Compaq, and some other respected names, and she was going to college for a degree. Now all that's gone to $h!.

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Don't take this the wrong way, but the whole thing sounded like something I'd hear on Judge Judy. Seriously. Please, for your own sanity, look for job prospects in MO or somewhere with a lower cost of living and a future, and get something you can live off of. Move out. I don't know what degrees/education/marketable skills you have besides website building (which honestly isn't enough on its own in this job market), but please use them to get something you can live off of.

There are some killer deals in various places real estate-wise, especially in the midwest. It pains me to type this, but you might even look into living in Indiana--it has one of the best (if not the best) income-to-cost of living ratios in the country. Carmel, IN is a very nice suburb of Indianapolis with plenty of parks and amenities, and some job prospects. Also, I know of some apartment complexes there with great rents, and you can walk to the grocery (right across the street) or go to restaurants and other shops within 5-10 minutes.

Give us some more information on what you're looking for, and maybe someone on here can help you out. There are enough people on here that I'm sure SOMEONE can find you something. To that end:

[*]What marketable skills do you have? Highest education attainment? Past work experience?

[*]What salary/wage do you reasonably expect to make?

[*]What about Jessica? Skills/education/work experience?

[*]What other issues are in play? Do you have to be super close to family, or what? What kinds of commutes are you looking at? Etc.

Give us some more info and maybe this can be figured out.

Edited by Croc
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Croc, I know, it's asinine. I've been looking for job prospects to see what there is to offer. I'm going to be looking some more tonight and tomorrow. Ideally, we'd like to go to MO because that is where much of her family is. However I look at it as we go where the money/opportunity is.

  • I have a Bachelor of Fine Arts Degree.
  • I have extensive experience with Adobe PhotoShop, Dreamweaver, experience with Flash, Illustrator, Image Ready, Photomatix, Maya (3D program), understanding of html, and CSS some javascript, and asp.NET. I'm also decent with a camera. I have some video editing experience using Sony Vegas 7 mainly. I should have experience with InDesign but college never went over it and I wasn't able to get the program to learn it myself...still plan to though. I have experience with both PC and MACs.
  • I worked at a small design firm designing business cards, fliers, brochures, posters, and the like. Over the summer I took a temp job helping to code and debug a small company's website...Multi Media Conversion Services Inc. I currently work for a small video production company , Mill City Studios, as their web designer and graphic designer. You can see their websites that I created http://millcitystudios.com and http://riverhawktv.org (I didn't do all of the work, I worked with others designing and building the latter). I'm basically a freelancer, with my current other client being a patent attorney. I'm working on building my own website for potential clients to visit.
  • Honestly, if I could make 25,000 to 30,000 annually I'd be happy for now...it would be enough to get an apartment and get things going, take care of the various little issues with the cars, and keep them in good working order.
  • As a side thing, I'm pretty handy with computers and do odd jobs fixing/repairing/upgrading/building computers for people I know.
  • I can also draw (as you may know from sketch competitions) and paint, although I haven't painted in a few years and wouldn't really consider it a strong suit.

  • Jessica has a high school diploma. She's planning to go to college when we get the funds for it.
  • She has experience with children/child care...although no certificates to make it official. She has a lot of experience with horses, as her father was a horse trainer. She was a manager at McDonalds in Wichita before she quit due to harassment by another manager and the company wouldn't do anything about it...and not enough employees were willing to back her up with taking the complaints to court.
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OK, well to that end, it sounds like you can definitely get some decent work with those qualifications. Carmel, IN has a lot of doctors, lawyers, and business people in it, and a lot of brochures are in serious need of work. The city is also starting to post videos on its website, but the website itself needs a LOT of work. Their search engine is pure 90s technology. I interned for the city a couple summers ago, and I know they are looking at getting more stuff on the internet. They want to go green, and a few people I talked to are interested in getting a lot of the various permit forms online so that they can update their databases more seamlessly as well as go as paperless as a city government can be. Maybe they're looking for somebody there.

Also, Carmel has a couple of stables, and the neighboring town, Zionsville, is pretty rural in appearance with a lot of equestrian-type people. Carmel has the lowest tax rate in the state of all the "cities" and they also beat many of the towns, too. Great amenities, and commute to downtown Indianapolis is like 20-30 min. There is also a downtown express shuttle service that just started up, a park-and-ride type thing, and it's been pretty popular.

Just to the east of Carmel is the town of Fishers, which has many of the same types of people, but is a bit lower in avg income when compared to Carmel, and the traffic is a lot worse. Not as many amenities, but proximity to downtown Indianapolis is similar. Not as close to stables or those kinds of things, but the housing is more affordable. Both places are great places to raise a family, and schools in Zionsville, Carmel and Fishers are perennially competing amongst the top 3-4 spots in the state rankings. Again, I cannot stress enough--Indiana has pretty much the best income-to-cost of living ratio in the nation without being in the middle of nowhere (relatively). It isn't some huge city, but it isn't a series of rural towns, either.

Good luck, and keep us posted on what happens.

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Too bad about your situation. My Mom and I for the most part get along pretty well. Sometimes she forgets I am a grownup but I deal with that pretty well. I too dont really make enough money to live on my own and her money situation is going to change. I think it will all work out though. I guess I can say do what you can with what you have. Maybe when she doesnt have your help to pay the bills thing will change for her. Good luck to you and Jessica. This bad economy doesnt help either as far as finding work. I am crossing my fingers right now that my job holds out.

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2005 EquinoxLS,

I think it may be one of those cases where things will get better for everyone once we are on our own and not breathing down each others necks. That's what I'd like to hope for anyway.

Croc,

Thanks for the info, it is very helpful. I know Jessica wants to go to the Sprinfield area to be with her family, be with her younger brothers and be with her grandparents who aren't in the best of health. We'll end up going where the money gis though, so we shall see. Either way IN is on my watch list now, and thanks again!

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2005 EquinoxLS,

I think it may be one of those cases where things will get better for everyone once we are on our own and not breathing down each others necks. That's what I'd like to hope for anyway.

Croc,

Thanks for the info, it is very helpful. I know Jessica wants to go to the Sprinfield area to be with her family, be with her younger brothers and be with her grandparents who aren't in the best of health. We'll end up going where the money gis though, so we shall see. Either way IN is on my watch list now, and thanks again!

For sure. Also, I just found this article posted on one of my urban planning blogs I regularly read; Indianapolis is, once again, the most affordable metropolitan housing market: http://www.newgeography.com/content/00554-...-still-a-way-go

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you know it sounds like you have a great deal of talents that you just need to find the way to get someone to notice them. And your girlfriend sounds like she has lots of varying but in demand skills as well. It really sounds to me like you just need to do a couple of things. Narrow down to specifics maybe 3,4 communities that sound of interest to you, and just generate some data on average rents, taxes, wage base, unemplyment rate, etc. Then factor in the intangibles, which town just seems interesting or more close to where you think you want to be.

In your case, I think with such a broad range of talent, that perhaps are there technical firms / recruiters that can direct and place you? It really cuts the job search down to the chase if the field you are in needs workers and you are just getting started. It can be a 'way in'. Even if it just lands you some interim work that can solidify your resume in your new spot. Then you can decide ok, is this career gonna take off for me, or will i have to freelance?

Her skills seem like she could be suited for many things and all very much in demand, management in restaurants (trust me those are in demand), child care (ALWAYS a steady need in that field) and even the horse industry....i even know someone right now who makes nice part time money dealing with horses. For her, it may take a bit for her to figure out what her groove is, but it sounds like she really has the ability to do many things and be good.

What is a plus here is that when you change towns, you almost have an added credibility of being 'new' to wherever you go. You kind of have a clean slate with no baggage in terms of any career rep that is following and no real path of people to pick and poke at any supposed deficiencies in your skill set. But the thing is, you're young and have a great desire to do well, and trust me, that can tip the scales in good favor your way on many accounts.

One thing to consider in the equation if you do not have it now....this is a big issue. Consider setting yourself up for a situation where you have access to affordable health care plan too. If it turns out you make the move and you like the job and can build your resume with it going forward, you will probably desire to work for someone where health care is part of the deal.

Of course, all this 'wisdom' on careers from me, currently jobless. :) Discard it if I sound crazy. :)

I do think the overall main thing on top of all of this is that staying at home could prove more detrimental than anything to you. You can't let the situation there bring you down into the mud. Combine the thought of leaving with the possibility of opportunity elsewhere and maybe the wind is blowing a bit in the direction its trying to lead you. This is as much a decision about what you feel is right to do vs. what is merely making sense. Err on the side of happiness and know that even if you still leave home, you can always go back to visit on holidays, even if she serves popcorn instead of turkey. You might be lifted up more by finding a new home for yourself. And no decision (well almost no decisions) are ever final. If it doesn't work out to move then at least you know you did what you thought was right at the time.

I know the tough part would be 'how do i get money to get started on this plan until i find 'that job'? I know, that is the $h!ty part. Long ago I always relied on my credit cards to fund my moves and periods of instability (that includes now even, LOL) so if you do not have access to credit in some form that takes away a bit of your safety net. Consider that maybe if you do move you might have to try to find a place to live to do mass transit or short walking commutes for a brief time if the car is unsustainable. Not anyone's favorite idea, but you know what i mean.

I have a friend who lives in KC and likes it and says it is inexpensive to live there. I have no idea how close that is to Springfield (geologically challenged). I love that people chastise the midwest for being 'uncool' but dammit at least they are still places to live that you can try to live with lower living expenses.

Does SD or Iowa sound like a possibility? I know Sioux Falls is a cheap progressive town with no state income tax and cheap cost of living. Vibrant too. Some parts of Iowa are vibrant. I need to look at a map, forgive if I have no clue where those are in realtion to where you think you want to be.

summary, you might just need to get out. it may be best for everyone to see this as a cue to move to the next act and next grat chapter. and in the process keep everyone from getting worn out with each other. sometimes the best way to preserve relationships is space.

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ah yes, i could see now where indy and say, STL would make sense too. KC is west and north of Sprgfld. and Indy for example is inbetween where you are now and Springfield.

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I like quite a bit of what Croc says, as I hear it's a pretty good area.

If I wasn't stuck in Michigan (for many reasons), I would be heading down there with my family....

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Do you mean UMass Dartmouth or the Ivy Dartmouth? I assume cost of living is pretty low in rural NH if it's the latter--maybe you could find a place with him when the semester is over. If the former, you could still probably find some kind of job in Lowell or something and live in NH with no taxes.

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Do you mean UMass Dartmouth or the Ivy Dartmouth? I assume cost of living is pretty low in rural NH if it's the latter--maybe you could find a place with him when the semester is over. If the former, you could still probably find some kind of job in Lowell or something and live in NH with no taxes.

UMass Dartmouth.

NH, at least when I went looking, doesn't get cheaper until you head north until at least the middle of the state. I don't know that for certain, just based on past searches out of curiosity.

Lowell suffers the problem Lawrence suffers, in that lots of people think designing is cheap, and $20 for a business car design is a lot..when it should be closer to $100. They're a bunch of cheap pricks...could have something to do with several businesses from Lawrence moving to Lowell...it's like an infection I tell you.

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Got to go where the jobs are, though. Rural places suck for good jobs....have to be close to major metro areas for anything technical (unless you can do your work from home online or deal with a long commute).

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Got to go where the jobs are, though. Rural places suck for good jobs....have to be close to major metro areas for anything technical (unless you can do your work from home online or deal with a long commute).

Agreed.

Being a freelance designer, whether I commute or not depends on the person who hires me. MMCSI had me work a regular 9-5 job at their office (a 30 minute commute or so depend on traffic), MCS has me working at home but come to the office twice a week to meet, discuss, and get paid. Meanwhile the attorney job I meant him once, and from that point on we have communicated over the phone (this is by far my favorite way to do it :P ).

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I lost a friend in Australia (yes I have them) to WoW and another in Cali. They both have been sucked into the game, and I do mean, they rarely leave the game at all, one even lost his job over it, it's sad.

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I'd highly recommend checking the job market out here before you leap. Everyone is laying off, unless you're a nurse or telemarketer, there is no work for more than minimum wage. Bass Pro just went through another round of layoffs last week and they're been "adjusting" budgets to the point that I'm fed up and if things dont get better when I get back from TX, I'm going to go tell Johnny Morris to go f@#k himself. On the bright side, everyone's being foreclosed so you can buy a 4br, 3ba for $95,000.

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I'd highly recommend checking the job market out here before you leap. Everyone is laying off, unless you're a nurse or telemarketer, there is no work for more than minimum wage. Bass Pro just went through another round of layoffs last week and they're been "adjusting" budgets to the point that I'm fed up and if things dont get better when I get back from TX, I'm going to go tell Johnny Morris to go f@#k himself. On the bright side, everyone's being foreclosed so you can buy a 4br, 3ba for $95,000.

Yeah the housing prices down in your area are insanely cheap. I definitely plan to do job searching before making a move. I think my first action will be to see what I can find in Boston, because while we may want to get out of Assachusetts, job prospects are probably better in Boston than many other places...and if we can find a "cheap" apartment and start saving...that culd work.

One thing is for sure: I need to familiarize myself with InDesign...so many places that I'm otherwise well qualified for also want experience with InDesign. Curse you, UMass Lowell and your $h!ty teaching system.

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Houses are freaking cheap, semi-luxury lofts (no maintenance and conveniently located) are freaking expensive. I hate this place.

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Houses are freaking cheap, semi-luxury lofts (no maintenance and conveniently located) are freaking expensive. I hate this place.

I remember looking up listings over the summer and seeing some 2-bedrooms in the 20,000's. And they weren't even in bad shape. Bu contrast, 57,000, the lowest we came across in MA, were complete $h!piles that were falling apart.

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My sister's house is older and on the north (run down) side of town. Its a 2br, 1ba, 1 car garage, they paid about $60 for it in 2001 or 2002. The only thing it has over my house (besides location) is a much larger yard, made possible by being a much smaller house. I can complain since I got a sweetheart deal, basically buying my house from my parents for $3k more than they bought it for in '98. $91 for a house in a neighborhood where houses were going for $110 (at the time, its come down in the last year) isn't bad at all. But my location sucks, 20 miles from anywhere.

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Yeah before prices went down the crapper, most houses around here were well over 200,000.

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Yeah before prices went down the crapper, most houses around here were well over 200,000.

Or more!

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I know what you mean with the job market. It is terrible. I got laid off in october and I couldn't for the life of me get another regular job. I did temp work a bit, lots of temping going on, because no one is actually hiring, and bar-tended to defray my cost of living but I was still running in the red that whole time and burned through all my 6000 in savings. Finally just yesterday after over 45 applications, 3 head hunters and 7 interviews I got a good salaried job with great benefits that is a step up from my last paralegal position. Having good credentials but not too much job experience will be good for you because people are still looking for entry positions to replace more highly paid senior employes.

On another note I've been trying to help my Girl Friend finish separating her life and becoming independent from her substance abusing, abusive and mentally unbalanced mother. After getting her mostly set up on her own she is having issues leaving her mother on her own to self destruct so the last few weeks we have been talking her into a halfway house/sobriety program. I'm heading back down to long island this weekend to help her mom pack up her apartment and get her on her way to the rehab place. Domestic issues can be so fun, right DF?

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