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capriceman

Do you give people second chances?

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Im on the fence on posting a personal at home issue,

However, I'm interested in Seeing on if you guys feel that second chances should be given or do you think there are enough warnings out there to say you only get one chance.

Or does it depend on the issue at hand and what qualify's for a second chance or what doesn't? feel free to express On what you think does and doesn't.

Thanks.

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It depends greatly on what the hell you're talking about, and past behavior. I give second chances until it becomes apparent that there is a pattern of behavior afoot. Of course, it takes a while for me to trust someone to begin with, so most people get weeded out early.

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It depends greatly on what the hell you're talking about, and past behavior. I give second chances until it becomes apparent that there is a pattern of behavior afoot. Of course, it takes a while for me to trust someone to begin with, so most people get weeded out early.

:yes:

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Wow. This issue has been "thematic" for me in the last decade, or so.

Family members:

I was willing to give family members more chances because they are family members, but they too need to abide by the rules of having to learn. My last remaining parent caused a lot of (completely unnecessary) problems a handful years ago. It was completely UNnecessary. I was drained. Then it dawned on me, she had that exact same problem when I was a kid...all the drama was UNnecessary and a way for her to get attention. As applied to the more recent issue, since she interrupted what was a long stretch of peace, I have refused to make amends and our rapport is more business-like than family-like. I once glanced through a book on the display tables at B&N about "forgiveness" and it said forgiveness has to be earned. If the same mistakes are repeated again and again, my feeling is that the person has not learned and is therefore not entitled to my forgiveness. Or...I can forgive, but don't need to forget.

Friends:

I have friends that I've had since I was in grammar school and have never had problems with them. No problems. I, however, have had some problems with friends who encroach on boundaries more than they should. They have been told "not to go there," but they don't listen. I have one friend (picture a Madeline Kahn upper face with a Margaret Thatcher lower face) who I let into my circle of friends because we were in the same line of work. She constantly tried to set me up on dates with friends of hers. I told her "no way," especially since she seems to toss out my "checklist," but she kept on trying, probably because she knows my "checklist" wouldn't include her, so that's her sick way of taking a jab at me. Most recently, she e-mailed we with the same M.O. (I started a thread on "boundaries"). I did not respond to her e-mail.

OTOH, a co-worker needs to find a HOUSE for me. He is addicted to risk and buying/selling (even if it's bad), so he needs to spread his misery. I have told him repeatedly to back off (and others around here also resent the fact that he's such an intrusive idiot) but he seems to forget the reminder he's been given. I will no longer go to lunch with him and keep him at a distance.

Bottom line for your situation:

We don't have enough information, nor are you expected to provide it. You know what the short-term and long-term impact of your actions might be. This is where most of your "weighing" ought to take place. I've taken a tougher stance and have fewer friends because of it, but I should have chased them away earlier. So, in my case, I am detaching from a parent who is addicted to drama (and I'm the opposite - completely into organization and logic) and a couple of friends who need to push their co-addict/co-dependent agendas down my throat. These are not big losses.

I know you can evaluate the cause and effect of your personal situation. However, it ain't easy, so I feel for you. Good luck with it.

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Trust would be broken after the first transgression. It would take work on both sides to rebuild that. It depends on how big a part of my life they've become beforehand.
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Too tough to call on vagueries. Depends on the transgression and the importance to you that person commands.

Good luck w/ yer situation, CM, consider carefully before you undo what cannot be redone.

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more chances because they are family members

That's how I should feel but i don't.

Sadly, Its my daughter Erika, She in her 20's but now she is pregnant (don't know the father) and probably going to be in jail very shortly. I could get a good lawyer and all and probably get her to have just probation but, I don't feel like i should help her at all. She was excellent till about her junior year in high school. She always hated me but that's because I wasn't there. She was a humanitarian and I was a special forces trained killing machine. Lets say we clashed heads.

Its just heart breaking to watch but I feel like I have tried to set her straight so many times it might be time to disown.

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Somehow I hope she gains strength and learns from this. She is an adult.
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It depends greatly on what the hell you're talking about, and past behavior. I give second chances until it becomes apparent that there is a pattern of behavior afoot. Of course, it takes a while for me to trust someone to begin with, so most people get weeded out early.

Better words were never spoken!

Chris

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That's how I should feel but i don't. Sadly, Its my daughter Erika, She in her 20's but now she is pregnant (don't know the father) and probably going to be in jail very shortly. I could get a good lawyer and all and probably get her to have just probation but, I don't feel like i should help her at all. She was excellent till about her junior year in high school. She always hated me but that's because I wasn't there. She was a humanitarian and I was a special forces trained killing machine. Lets say we clashed heads. Its just heart breaking to watch but I feel like I have tried to set her straight so many times it might be time to disown.

I don't know if I would disown. However, let her face the music for what she has done. That has worked wonders for all five of my children. As the leader of my eleven year olds Boy Scout troup says, Never do for a boy what he can do for himself.

Sounds like the same advice could go for your daughter as well.

Chris

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We had a situation along these lines at my home. My stepson and his girlfriend were arrested. We took in the 2 grandkids for a few weeks until they were bailed out by my stepdaughter. Then they skipped town and left her with the forfeiture of the bail for not showing up for court. They called after Christmas even though no one heard from them in months. We tricked them into coming to get the Christmas presents for the kids and they were arrested. This time they both spent a few months in jail while we had the grandkids again. I am not sure they changed any but they do seem to be keeping out of the legal system so far. My stepdaughter learned a lesson also but has her money back.

It might be better for her to spend a little time then she might appreciate her freedom and get back in line like I am sure you would prefer.

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I don't know if I would disown. However, let her face the music for what she has done. That has worked wonders for all five of my children. As the leader of my eleven year olds Boy Scout troup says, Never do for a boy what he can do for himself.

Sounds like the same advice could go for your daughter as well.

Chris

I know I can never disown... But I have tried that to let her deal with it she only digs further. Ive tried helping and she doesn't appreciate it. The worst is she thinks she blazing a new trail even though I already worn that path down. She thinks I know nothing and don't understand her problems. While I can admit im desensitized and dont know what its like to be female, I do understand and have been there. Ive tried to explain and show her in every way, sigh.

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Kids...when they are little they step on your toes, when they are big they step on your heart.

Just don't blame yourself. I've said this before but...

If you think your a good parent...have another kid, you'll think otherwise. If you think your a bad parent...have another kid, you'll think otherwise. Children make their own choices, sometimes there is nothing that you can do about it.

Just like my son's friend.

Chris

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Kids...when they are little they step on your toes, when they are big they step on your heart.

Chris, Every situation is different, just like fingerprints. I am sure you know this. For any of us to get to the bottom of the dynamics of a specific family constellation, it would take hours, which we don't have here.

With respect to my dynamics with my parents, there is a clear line of demarcation - they need to take responsibility before (insert a particular date) and I will take responsibility since (insert a particular date). That date differs for every child-rearing situation.

Parents are partly to blame and children are partly to blame. Whenever you have two people, each has their own agenda.

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The pregnancy complicates matters, there is an innocent involved...

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The pregnancy complicates matters, there is an innocent involved...

Excatly, That little guy doesn't deserve the life its going to probably live.

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Excatly, That little guy doesn't deserve the life its going to probably live.

Then are we really talking about a second chance?

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If you think your a good parent...have another kid, you'll think otherwise. If you think your a bad parent...have another kid, you'll think otherwise.

Well Erika was the second one, I had a Son before her and Mike was an excellent out standing citizen. He would give you the shirt of his back even if he didn't have one to give. Unfortunately, He is no longer with us.

I try not to bring personal stuff up because you guys probably don't care but this has been bothering me for a solid week on what I should do. I Talked to the court yesterday night and she has manged to tally up some charges including Felony drug possession, evading police, assaulting an officer, probation violation(s)...

I Think Im going to stay out of this one.

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Then are we really talking about a second chance?

No, not really.

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Maybe making the little guy the focus of your concern will lead you to the right course of action.

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Maybe making the little guy the focus of your concern will lead you to the right course of action.

I will try but the surrounding circumstances will probably interfere.

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I will try but the surrounding circumstances will probably interfere.

As long as that is the lens you look at it through, I think the answers will come to you.

I wish you well.

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the lens you look at it through

the answers will come to you.

Yes...

...the fine-tuning of the lens brings the answers

...frustratingly, this process can take some time...it has for me...

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It depends greatly on what the hell you're talking about, and past behavior. I give second chances until it becomes apparent that there is a pattern of behavior afoot. Of course, it takes a while for me to trust someone to begin with, so most people get weeded out early.

+1

It is my personality to NOT give anyone a second chance. However, I know that I can be very judgmental as well.

So, as long as the offense isn't horrible, I'll cautiously give a second chance. Consider it a "probation" of sorts.

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