Joke Thread

[oldshurst442]

13 minutes ago, ocnblu said:

Another Encyclopedia Brittanica.  How many ball point pens do you go through in a day of internet posting?

PHOQUE YOU!

 

Short and sweet enough for ya?

[ocnblu]

Must be a lot.

[oldshurst442]

Back to jokes

 

 

Lohd have mehcy! 

Edited August 24, 2020 by oldshurst442

[David]

Back on track for non political jokes.

Q: What is the similarity between electric cars and a man's penis?

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A: They are both Touch to Start!

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Q: What is the worlds more favorite electric car still?

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A: Lightning McQueen

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Q: If Dodge makes an electric car, what will it be called?

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A: Dodge Chargeable

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Q: Why did Elon name his electric auto the "Tesla"?

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A: Because "Muskmobile" didn't pass the smell test!

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[Drew Dowdell]

Did you know that the Secret Service can't yell "GET DOWN!!" at the President anymore in the event of an attack?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They have to yell, "DONALD, DUCK!"

[ocnblu]

It is the neutrality of the above post that makes it universally enjoyable.

[surreal1272]

1 hour ago, ocnblu said:

It is the neutrality of the above post that makes it universally enjoyable.

Certainly more enjoyable than jokes that call certain folks the “C” word. 

[daves87rs]

[Drew Dowdell]

In Sweden, all of their ships have barcodes. So when they return to port they scan da navy in.

[A Horse With No Name]

On 8/25/2020 at 6:49 PM, ocnblu said:

It is the neutrality of the above post that makes it universally enjoyable.

Agreed. 

IF they built EV pickup Trucks will they be rolling Volts?

[A Horse With No Name]

Funny actual toumbstone...

[A Horse With No Name]

[A Horse With No Name]

[A Horse With No Name]

Not a joke, but funny...

 

[David]

33 minutes ago, A Horse With No Name said:

Not a joke, but funny...

 

Reminds me of Jumanji The Next Level

[A Horse With No Name]

On 8/23/2020 at 8:51 PM, ocnblu said:

Must be a lot.

It's more the whiteout on the screen and the writinhg the computer company because the keyboard is not in alphabetical order that I am worried about with Olds...just sayin...

[A Horse With No Name]

[A Horse With No Name]

[David]

Posted on Reddit, This is what happens when the Airbag does not inflate.

[trinacriabob]

Beans, beans are good for your heart

The more you eat them, the more you fart

The more you fart, the better you feel

So eat beans at every meal

[trinacriabob]

On 12/1/2020 at 1:18 PM, A Horse With No Name said:

Not a joke, but funny...

 

Yes, this is slightly more humorous than hippos chasing boats in lakes ...  and not giving up.

With that car parked the "wrong way," I was going to say Australia.  It's South Africa.  Had it been Australia, it would make me wonder if this ostrich had some magpie in its genetics, where magpies are territorial, aggressive, and swoop down on people, sometimes causing injury.

[David]

8 hours ago, trinacriabob said:

Beans, beans are good for your heart

The more you eat them, the more you fart

The more you fart, the better you feel

So eat beans at every meal

An oldie but a goodie!

[David]

A Comic for Computer Nerds.

Gotta say, this is the ultimate year of quotes for 2020 Pandemic!

[trinacriabob]

On 12/1/2020 at 10:55 AM, A Horse With No Name said:

 

I love this one:  dry, but damn funny.

[A Horse With No Name]

On 8/23/2020 at 8:51 PM, ocnblu said:

Must be a lot.

You are a smart dude in your own way. I am tired to seeing you attacked here. 

That being said....next time use a sharpie so i can read it....my eyesight isn't so good.

[A Horse With No Name]

Crude but funny....

[trinacriabob]

One liner play on words, regional in nature:

"Reno is so close to hell you can see Sparks."

[trinacriabob]

On 4/5/2018 at 8:51 AM, A Horse With No Name said:

 

 

 

I just spotted these.   What a hoot.  As for the latter, students at Notre Dame could hold that opinion, much like students at Chico State in CA could and probably do.

Voila ... where you can "theoretically" get a Bachelor of Arts in Party Attendance (a BAPA).

[trinacriabob]

Q:  What do you call the person who graduated in last place within their medical school class?

- - - - -

A:  "Doctor."

[David]

Top 12 statements about our Pandemic:

1. Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

2. I used to spin the toilet paper like I was on “Wheel of Fortune.” Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

3. I need to practice social distancing from ... the refrigerator.

4. Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter ... The Living Room or The Bedroom.

5. PSA: Every few days, try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believing all is well in the kingdom.

6. Homeschooling is going well. Two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job!

7. I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to Twilight Zone.

8. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into the house, told my dog...we laughed a lot.

9. So, after this quarantine, will the producers of “My 600-Pound Life” just find me or do I find them?

10. My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

11. Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

12. Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said: “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year.” I’m offended.

My Self-Isolation Quarantine Diary:

Day 1 – I can do this!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!

Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!

Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??

Day 4 – 8 p.m.: Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.

Day 5 – Today, I tried to make hand sanitizer. It came out as Jell-O Shots!!

Day 6 – I get to take the garbage out. I’m so excited, I can’t decide what to wear.

Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!

Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen.” You must gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going bar hopping.

Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems nice. He’s a web designer.

Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”

Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.

Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3-1.

Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?

[A Horse With No Name]

Political, but funny...

[Drew Dowdell]

On 12/7/2020 at 12:26 PM, David said:

 

Gotta say, this is the ultimate year of quotes for 2020 Pandemic!

Heck, that's quotes from my 9am staff meeting that just finished.

how come ya’ll listen to a groundhog but not the CDC

[Drew Dowdell]

80% of gay men are born that way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The other 20% are sucked into it.

[A Horse With No Name]

[A Horse With No Name]

[A Horse With No Name]

[balthazar]

[A Horse With No Name]

[A Horse With No Name]

[David]

[A Horse With No Name]

[trinacriabob]

This is an old joke, and far less applicable as the years have gone by ...

Q:  What is the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?

A:  Yogurt has culture.

[David]

48 minutes ago, trinacriabob said:

This is an old joke, and far less applicable as the years have gone by ...

Q:  What is the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?

A:  Yogurt has culture.

Naw, that still applies today!  

I swear so many of my relatives that live in the greater LA area have no Culture!  

[oldshurst442]

You mean to tell me a casting couch is not culture?  

 

 Appropriate somehow . Im listening to this song right now!   

 

Maybe Weinstein used this song a couple of times in his hotel room  while he showered and had the aspiring actresses waiting for him...

Very Tarantino-ish type of scenario and song choice Id like to think...

Edited March 6, 2021 by oldshurst442

[David]

It's funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible to most people.....

But 8 glasses of wine can be done in a single meal!  🍷

 

Just now, oldshurst442 said:

You mean to tell me a casting couch is not culture?  

Naw, Just Salty with stains!  

[trinacriabob]

8 minutes ago, David said:

Naw, that still applies today!  

I swear so many of my relatives that live in the greater LA area have no Culture!  

Some incredible culture in L.A. decades later with the Getty museum complex and so much more.

But, yes, you are right in that the culture in Los Angeles, and South Florida, appears to be conspicuous consumption and flash over REAL culture.  I remember that it was often annoying.

@oldshurst442

It would be interesting to have the full list of who's been on the casting couch.  The only person I can recall who has been brazen about admitting it is Madonna, now out of the spotlight and living in Portugal, I believe.  She fared far better than most University of Michigan dropouts.  And, even though she's Italian, I have always disliked her.

[oldshurst442]

2 minutes ago, trinacriabob said:

And, even though she's Italian, I have always disliked her.

I never liked the image she was trying sooooooo hard to portray and sell...and unfortunately led America down a very shyte path, sexually.   Instead of celebrating sex that is something great, intimate, natural, sexy, fun, loving AND yes....LUSTFUL...  She turned that natural and beautiful sex and lust into something dirty. And disrespectful to your sex partner. Although I think that was not what she wanted to do, she helped it become that way.  

With that being said, I do like most of her music. 

[David]

@trinacriabob @oldshurst442

Latest casting couch news!  Interesting list and yes even in other news sources on this side of the pound in the day of #metoo, seems the names on the Sun story are pretty accurate.

What is the casting couch and which Hollywood actresses have told their stories about it? (thesun.co.uk)

This is interesting and so many jokes could be made form this master list.

Casting Couch Cast | List of All Casting Couch Actors and Actresses (ranker.com)

This I find interesting and again also jokes could be made a plenty!

Greatest Movie Actors and Actresses | List of the Best Actors of All Time (ranker.com)

[trinacriabob]

Q:  What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?

A:  She goes home.

[David]

Q: What is the first thing a Fraternity boy does in the Morning?

A: Changes his sheets!