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I've been wanting to start a joke thread, mainly so I can get some really good jokes to use when needed. I'd say to keep this thread clean, as there's the R-rated section for those kinds of jokes :lol:

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A gas station owner puts up a sign saying FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP. A customer pulls in, fills his tank, then asks for his free sex. The owner tells him to pick a number from one to 10 - if he guesses correctly, he'll get his sex. The buyer guesses "eight" and the proprietor says, "Sorry, no free sex this time." Later the same man and his buddy drive by. The man says, "I think that game is rigged. He doesn't give away free sex." The buddy replies, "No, it's not rigged. My wife won twice last week."

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...I'd say to keep this thread clean...

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...FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP...

.

In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief.

After leading the band for many years, Benny began to fell uncomfortable wearing the beard, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice.

When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, "Do you not remember the ancient legend, Sire. The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware."

Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale.

Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader.

The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

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A Frenchman, a German, and an Irishman are sitting at a bar having a drink.

The Frenchman looks down at his drink and notices a fly in it. "Sacrebleu!" he exclaims, and throws his drink out over the bar.

The German looks down at his drink and also notices a fly in it. "Ach, scheiss!" he shouts, and does as the Frenchman did.

The Irishman looks down at his drink and also sees a fly in it. He grabs the fly by the wings and shakes it violently yelling "Spit it out, spit it out!"

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“There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.” -columnist commenting on Paul Ryan endorsing Ayn Rand's books

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a pirate walks into a bar. after a while the bartender strikes up a conversation with him. he asks the pirate, howd you get the peg leg? the pirate replies a mighty shark bit it off. howd you get your hook? i lost me hand fighting a scallewag. he got me hand but i sent him to davey jones locker with me cutlass. howd you get the eye patch? a seagull pooped right in me eye. shocked the bartender stated i didnt know seagull poop could blind you. the pirate replied aye lad ye be right. it pooped in me eye the first day i had me hook...

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Three construction workers are working on a tall building when they break for lunch. There's an Italian, a Hispanic and a Polish guy.

The Italian opens his lunch pail and says, "Uffa! Spaghetti e meatballs again?! My wife, she'sa gonna kill me... if I eat this one more day, I'ma gonna jump off the side of dis building and kill myself!"

The Hispanic guy opens his lunch pail and says, "Ay! Tacos y burritos again?! If I eat this one more time, I'm gonna jump off the side of this building and kill myself!"

The Polish guy opens his lunch pail and says, "No! Sausage and perogis again?! If I eat this tomorrow one more time, I'm gonna jump off the side of this building and kill myself!"

The next day comes and the Italian guy opens his lunch pail and sees the spaghetti and meatballs and he screams, throws down his lunch pail and jumps off the side of the building, killing himself.

The Hispanic guy takes a look only to find tacos and burritos and lets out a scream and plummets to his death.

Sure enough, the Polish guy looks in his lunch box, finds the sausage and perogis, jumps and kills himself.

A couple of days later, the wives of the three men meet at the funeral, all crying hysterically. The Italian man's wife says, "If he justa tol' me I woulda make something different! Now he's gone! The Hispanic man's wife agrees and says, "I know! I would have happily made him something else if he just told me!"

... and the Polish guy's wife exclaims while sobbing, "I just don't get it! He packed his own lunch!"

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Naval ships from different countries have different prefixes to their names, but it's not always clear what they stand for. USS of course stands for "United States Ship". British Royal Navy ships carry the HMS prefix, which stands for "Her Majesty's Ship". And the prefix for Italian ships is AMB, which stands for "'Atsa ma boat!"

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A straight man goes to a bar after work, after getting in the bar he realizes it's a gay bar, but he just had one of the worst days of his life. So he walks up to the bar and says, "Bartender give me a beer," to which the bartender responds, "Tell me the name of your penis."

The straight man says, "Look man I am not into this, just give me a beer I will drink it then leave." The bartender says, "Not until you tell me the name of your penis."

The straight man is thinking and thinking finally says to the bartender, "What's the name of your penis?" to which the bartender responds, "Nike, you know 'just do it'" The straight man is thinking and thinking and finally tells the bartender, "The name of my penis is 'secret'"

The bartender says, "Secret?" to which the straight man says, "Yeah strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a cell phone on a bench rings. One of the men answers.

MAN: Hello?

WOMAN: Hi, honey. Are you at the club?

MAN: Yes.

WOMAN: I'm at the shop now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it ok if I buy it?

MAN: Sure, baby. Go ahead if you like it that much.

WOMAN: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw one that I liked.

MAN: How much?

WOMAN: $90,000.

MAN: Ok, but for that price I want it with all the options.

WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it.

MAN: Go ahead and bid $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go up the extra $80,000, if that's what you really want.

WOMAN: See you later! I love you so much!

The man hangs up. The other men stare at him, astonished. He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

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  • 1 month later...
  • 1 month later...

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: 'That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!'

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!'

The man says: 'You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead,

I'll hold your monkey for you.

Two weasels are sitting on a barstool. One starts to insult the other one.

He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'

The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'

The other says, 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'

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Today's word is................. Fluctuations

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to

exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo

yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

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  • 6 months later...

Santa checked into a hotel (Pearly Gates) room was happy to see a computer in his room. He decided to write a letter to his wife Preeto. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

On the other end, somewhere in Arkansas, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. She decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

She opened her email inbox, read the first message and fainted. Soon his son was called up by the neighbors. He saw his mother lying on the floor and the computer screen showing an open mail. He read the mail. It read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Reached

Date: 27 May 2012

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.

I've just reached and have been checked in. I was welcomed at Pearly Gates by beautiful angels.

I will see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Hope nothing stops you from coming here.

Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

Love

Your Hubby!

Andrei called up to customer care: So how's the weather in New York.

CCE: Must be pretty fine there, but I am in India

Andrei: Wow, my caller Id says that I am talking on a New York number.

CCE: I guess the call got diverted to India

Andrei: Hell no...

CCE: Sir, its still toll free. Sir, are you there? Mr. Andrei ... It's FREE...end-quot.gifend-icon.gif

quotes-sign.gifA Microsoft programmer died and he had to decide where he wanted to go Heaven or Hell. He was taken to both the places before getting a chance to select either. An angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, bikini clad girls, volleyball, and rock & roll, where everyone was having a wild time.

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!"

"Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?"

"Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. There, a bunch of people were sitting in a park, playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.

"This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer.

"Yup," said the angel.

"Then I'll take Hell." He was thrown in the hell. He saw himself plunged up to his neck in red-hot guano, with the ghosts of the damned in torment around him.

He cried, "Its cheating, where are the babes? The beach? The Jazz? The volleyball?"

The angel said, "That was the demo version!"end-quot.gifend-icon.gif

quotes-sign.gifHow can you tell if a blonde is using a computer?

There is liquid paper all over the screen!end-quot.gifend-icon.gif

quotes-sign.gifA man walks into a bar and sits across the bartender.

The bartender sees that the man is poking at his hand and putting it next to his ear. He asks, "What are you doing?"

The man replies, "Oh, it's the latest technology. I have a phone built right into my hand." The man puts his hand next to the bartender's ear and the later does hear a dial tone.

After a few drinks, the man goes to the bathroom. The bartender notices that he has been gone for almost a half-hour. Concerned, he goes into the bathroom to check it out. As he walks in, he sees the man is standing with his legs apart and pants down, with hands on the wall. He has the end of the toilet roll shoved up his ass.

Shocked, the bartender yells, "What are you doing?"

The man groans and replies, "I'm waiting for a fax."end-quot.gif

Edited by dfelt
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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

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A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said,

"I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."

The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car.

The Patrol Man said to the man\'s wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?" She replied,

"Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."

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  • 1 month later...

Lie Detector Robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

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  • 4 months later...

Auto Jokes:

Near the end of their racing careers, a Ford and a Chevrolet made a pact. The first one to reach racing heaven would let the other know if heaven even had car racing.

As luck would have it, the Chevrolet was demolished in a fiery wreck. A few days later, it revealed itself to the Ford in a vision. "I have some good news and some bad news," the Chevy told the Ford. "The good news is that heaven is crazy about auto racing. They have everything here--NASCAR, Indy cars, Formula 1, you name it."

"So what's the bad news?" the Ford asked the deceased Chevrolet.

"The bad news is that you've won the pole position for next Saturday's race."

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A motorist runs a red light and is photographed by an automated police camera. In the mail a short time later, he receives a photo of his car committing the infraction and a citation for $60. Instead of paying the fine, the motorist mails the police department a photograph of three 20-dollar bills. Several days later, he gets a letter back from the police department. Inside is a photograph of a pair of handcuffs.

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A not-too-bright but beautiful blonde was driving home one night when she was caught in a terrible storm. The hailstones were as big as golf balls, and her car was dented badly.

Next day at the auto shop, a repairman decided to have a little fun at her expense. "To fix the dents in the body," he said, "drive home, park the car, and when the tailpipe is cool, get down on your knees and blow really hard into the tailpipe, and the dents will pop out.

Later, a girlfriend of the blonde is driving by and sees her friend on her knees, blowing hard into the tailpipe. She asks what's going on and is told the story. The girlfriend laughs. "Well, duhhh! You need to roll up the windows first, silly!"

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A couple of young tourists are pulled over by a highway patrolman. The officer walks up, asks for the driver's license and registration, and when he doesn't get it quickly enough, whacks the driver in the head. "That's for not having your driver's license ready," he snaps. "I ain't got all day." After he issues the driver a ticket, the patrolman walks around to the other side of the car and whacks the passenger in the head.

"Owwww!" hollers the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"

"That's to make your dream come true," replied the cop. "I know that when you'd gotten a half-mile down the road, you were gonna say to your friend here, 'Wish he'd tried that with me!'"

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A banker is proudly driving his brand-new Jaguar sedan around New York City. On reaching his destination, he parks the car at the curb and gets out on the traffic side. Just as he opens the door, a taxicab slams into it, ripping the door right off its hinges. The cabby drives off as if nothing extraordinary has occurred.

A policeman who witnesses the whole thing walks up to the banker, who is now wailing loudly, "Ohhh myyy gaaawdd! Look what that idiot did to my new Jaaaaggguuuaar!

The cop looks at the banker, shakes his head, and says, "You bankers are so damn materialistic! Here you are whining about your expensive car, and you don't even realize the cab tore off your arm!"

The banker looks down at where his arm used to be and begins to wail loudly, "Ohhhh myyy gaawd, my Rolllllleeeexxx is gone!"

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A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.

"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"

"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.

"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"

"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"

"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."

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A guy driving through the countryside comes upon a weird sign advertising a red '68 Corvette that runs on Vaseline. The farmer who owns it tells him to take it for a test drive, "but don't go too far 'cause it's low on Vaseline." Off the guy goes, and it roars up to 100 mph and runs perfectly. But a short time later, it sputters and fails.

Meanwhile, at a nearby farmhouse, a family is just finishing dinner. The wife is proud of the meal she's prepared and suggests that she should not have to do the dishes. The older of two daughters says she has a date and cannot do the dishes. The younger daughter says she can't do them because she has homework. The father says he is the man of the house and should not have to do dishes. He suggests a solution. "Let's all go into the living room and sit down, and the first person who says a word has to do the dishes."

Meanwhile, the driver makes his way to the farmhouse, knocks, and gets no reply. He sees the family sitting stone-faced in the living room and knocks again. No response. So he walks in and says, "I knocked, but no one answered. What's the deal?" Not a word from the family. The man notices leftovers on the table and asks if he might eat them. Not a word, so the man eats his fill. "May I have a beer?" he asks, and again gets no response, so he helps himself to a half-dozen of them.

Maybe it's his imagination, but he notices the older daughter giving him the eye. "I'd like to make love to your daughter," he says to the farmer. Taking the lack of response as a yes, they go off together. On his return, he has a few more beers. "How about the other daughter?" he asks, and off they go. Soon he's proposing the same for the farmer's wife, and getting no response, he has his way again.

It's getting dark, and the man realizes he must get going. He returns once more to the living room and asks the family if they have any Vaseline.

"All right, all right," says the farmer, "I'll do the damn dishes."

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Someone at the auto repair shop locked the owner's keys inside his car. While the locksmith was working on the driver's-side door lock, the anxious owner walked up and tried the passenger's-side door. It opened.

The locksmith looked up. "Yeah, I already got that one."

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Question: What's the difference between a cactus and a Porsche?

Answer: On the cactus, the prick is on the outside.

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  • 4 months later...

Little Johnny in his High School Health Ed class. The teacher has been discussing all week long about how to be protected from STD's.

The teacher holds up a Box of condoms and ask's "What are these?"

Little Johnny: Opportunity

Teacher: Think of what we have been reading on how these protect you and what do you have?

Little Johnny: A tired class of girls and guys.

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  • 6 months later...

That's just part of our charm.

But we've been really fast lately, no? It's always fast for me now.

Btw, the latest issue was 75% my fault. I can't blame server issues or our provider this time.

:o You database destruct-or! ;)

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Here's a car related one:

Fords working on a new heated tailgate feature, that way when you have to push it in the snow your hands won't be cold.

Job Interview

"What's your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a f@#k what you think."

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  • 4 months later...

A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

Husband: Sukitaki.
Wife replies: Kowanini!
Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!

I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this $h!. As if you understand Japanese! Unbelievable!

I knew you would read anything as long as it is about sex. You need help!!

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A friend sent me that in an email today :lol:

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  • 2 years later...

Greece's economy...

 

 

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

 

 

yeah...this is a shout out to my kids...

I dedicated that to them...

Edited by oldshurst442
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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
  • 10 months later...
55 minutes ago, oldshurst442 said:

Diane: "Name me 3 cars that start with P."

Sam: "That is easy. Porsche, Pontiac and Plymouth."

Diane: "NO! Those start with gas!!!"  :roflmao:

Diesel, Diesel and Diesel! :P

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  • 1 year later...

I MISS BILL!

 

It doesn't matter what party you belong to, this is good-natured
political humor from a show on Canadian TV, where a comedian
said he misses Bill Clinton....


"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!"
He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.

He plays the saxophone.
He smoked weed.
He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him .... his wife works, and he doesn't!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's
shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations'
distinguished men.  It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I
don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath:
"I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I
believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to have sex
in the Oval Office between the Bushes.

:roflmao:

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